Ruined in reformation

Dostoevsky, Do you know that you have ruined me? If I keep believing in your reasoning, I'll loose my esteem and soon I'll loose myself too. Though you make fun of Madame Khoklakov, I'm like her, so many uncertainties, so much self-hatred but highly pompous. How aptly you made her say -The more I love humanity in general, the less I like man in particular. That's exactly the case with me. Kindness is not a service, Kindness is not a peace-maker, Kindness is a weakness. Don't we have to consider whether the other person is worth the kindness we are going to shower?? Without this kindness of yours, I atleast would have loved myself, but because of you, I feel trapped.. like a little mouse. Do you think with this kind of people, peace is possible? I say it's impossible even if you can make the Sun rise in the west. I hate you right now at this moment for making me take all the guilt upon me for you said.. everyone’s guilt before all and for all..

It's love again that pulls me here!

Ages ago, there had been a spark of love or something that was deliberately considered love. And it was put off as soon as it started out. Now, after many years, if he falls in love with somebody or somebody falls in love with him just before my eyes, am I supposed to feel jealous? May be 'yes' for a noble girl. But I prefer being myself to being noble. (It's my vanity to give statements like this. I know, it wasn't good when one is reforming oneself. But still, please excuse me this time. Let me have it for giving strength to the speech.)

Far from jealousy, I am happy for the two and wouldn't even care if they kiss each other before me. I would even like to let my present lover (just a fancy!) to fall in love with other women if they are of some matter (like a mother for a son I'd examine them first, I don't know why. but just now, I thought I have the right to do so). May be it's not quite true of my being magnanimous like this. But I would like to be like that. It feels good though it's painful.

I talk in disorder for I am very happy to be reading Dostoevsky(B.K) again. My jealous-less feelings are all generated from him for he described in such a detail what monstrous disasters, jealousy could bring and how good you can count yourself if you keep it away. Believe me, I would not have felt jealous about the former one, even if I haven't started reading it. I taught myself at least few things like this, without my teachers, without my parents and without reading books. See, I am such an egoist, you give me a moment, I start talking about myself. Let me take you back to the new love that sprouts.

I tell you one thing, may be it's place is not here, but still I tell you otherwise I may forget. I terribly pity them for I am secretly scared that it won't work out and is not worth trying. I don't want it be so. But against my wish, that's what is going to happen. I keep getting premonitions for few things and they certainly become true.

To you, only to you, a small note. You both are my dear friends. I can't see you becoming painful to each other for it pains me too to take sides even for a short time.

On the brim

Something must have instilled the hesitancy between the two friends, to which they were not used to before. Though they were hiding it from each other under pretense, they only could sense it. So they wanted to be done with this affair as early as possible, not to delay it until they are completely entangled in the game of love, and mainly to save their precious friendship that was built over years. They talked incoherently and wept together for the imperfections of the human soul. They both didn't like it to be that way. Still some stupid sensuality held them guilty. They gave instructions to each other to revert to be simple friends without much hurting.

The gentleman being well disciplined whipped himself not to do, what he was not suggested to do. The lady, who was though as disciplined as her mate was, couldn't come out of this emotional whirlwind because of a selfish hope. Fools, Empty heads! All women are so. How much ever they get offended, they continue to wag their tails and lick the boots of their masters (Ladies, these opinions are not mine, but of a sufferer). At first, even I didn't see any offense in this affair. These women are much complicated than the Life itself. (Sounding like Bertie??) But now I understood what it was. I'll tell you later, how it was shown to me.

When they re-discussed about their emotional status, the man was upset for she was not yet recovered. He was irritated and angry with her for loving him, but still composed and explained her why he was against this. He said,

Dear, I am not prepared to have another wound, at least one that comes from you. Please believe me, I really love you. More than anyone. But this love is not what you are now expecting from me. Remember Esmeralda! Like the fingers of the same hand. Like brother and sister. That's how I would love ourselves.

To this she replied,

Well, my dear friend, do you know what you are doing all the while to restrict me and yourself from causing wounds to each other? You are not being like my friend and my fellow finger as you promised but purposefully ignoring and hurting me so that I could hate you. But I saw your struggle. I saw how much you hurt yourself when you are hurting me. I saw everything. Now I started loving you more. Not as you are fearing about. But with a typical human heart, I love you for the similarity of the pain we are suffering like brother and sister.

His reply was this,

Friend, I used to be proud of you and boast of it to others. How we used to sit together and share things over. Even when we shout at each other and swear not to reconcile again, I know, it was not true. How peaceful I used to feel when you were with me! But now, I am too worried to speak anything. I should check if it would effect your feelings before speaking anything. Believe me, I am even scared to hold your hand which was just nothing for me before. I am somehow feeling guilty for all this though I am not for sure guilty. My friend, be kind and be like my good friend. Care me, but as if you don't care me (This phrase is stolen from my friends) Be angry with me when you are hurt not with pain but with real anger. Hate me for the stupid things I do. Then I would come back and ask you to forgive me. I love to do it. May be, that's why, I used to tease you. Do you know, now I want you to tell me about your crush and how you are mad about him as you used to tell me, then I want to discuss with you if he is OK for you or not. I am dreaming for something like that to happen. Don't analyze too much of my words. Many things are beautiful, when you perceive them with simple heart.

She replied,

Dear, I want to let you free, from my love, from the origin-less guiltiness you are experiencing and myself too. Till now, I didn't understand how our friendship could be a block. I considered it as an advantage, because it isn't formed to serve the purpose of something else but built by us with pure intentions. And we both knew it. Thrashing my hopes on you, you are expecting me to think of somebody else. Isn't a delicate way of rejection? Genius you are.. (Did you get it now? This is the offense I talked about earlier.) Forget it. Forget it forever like nothing happened. Let's weep together once for all and forget it. I like this friendship of ours as much as you do. I am also proud of it. I want to hold it higher in my life not in reach of its impurities. If something dirty has already stuck to it, let us clean it. No trace shall be left. No trace, anywhere. Let's freeze it in our simple hearts.

Now, the authoress of this story has nothing to continue, but feels happy to let their friendship overtake everything else. She is not sure if she is really happy with this ending or still pities her characters.

Scruple

Yesterday, how strictly I thought of not writing anything about pain, heart-breaks and so like, but today I couldn't control myself from talking about it again. I am such a variable and infidel with my own beliefs. It is exactly the same behaviour that is hurting me more. If it is concerned with others, I will know what is right and I stubbornly do it. Then, why I am not able to do it with myself? and why I am giving allowances of unreasonable desires? And later, how well, my conscience is reasoning those unreasonable temptations till I believe those lies. I think, I am not just one within me..probably two. One, extremely zealous about life, ready to embrace however it is and one, who scorns oneself each moment with fussy conscience. I shall throw out either of them otherwise life is hell-like.

PS: Later in detail.

Engagement of deception

I am just like you, a bit talkative, emotional, honest, intelligent [I think so ;) ] and sometimes over-confident. Then why me when I am no different from anybody? Why am I deprived of cherishing those days of youth. Why is it all filled with that person who promised me the moon but gave me up for a good-looking and dowry bringing rich lady. I couldn't convince myself that it is only because of money. I can't make him accountable for such an unforgivable sin. Isn't it unforgivable?? I looked at him so high and never would be able to imagine him otherwise. May be , not so high, because he started lying to me from few months, even when it is unnecessary. May be, he is testing if he could successfully bully me. Even after all this, I had a hope, a feeble one, that he is just faking but actually the person he presented to me along with his propositions.

After I heard of his engagement with that rich lady, I am shattered. There was nobody at home except my little sister, to whom I shall behold the stature of an ideal inspiration. So I busied her to watch her favorite show and locked myself in my room. I thought I should better talk to some of my friends. It was too late. But who looks at the clock to disturb a friend? I know beforehand what they would say. I know how typical their consolations would be.. But still would want to listen from them. All of them said the same thing but in their own style that he doesn't deserve me and that I shall be happy to have ridden of him at last. I suspect they are happy for what happened. They reminded me of their prophecies that we weren't a match. I talked to them as if I believed all they said.

I laid on my bed and remembered the days when we played as innocent kids but with a favoritism towards each other. I knew him by birth. Everybody was jealous of us, because we help each other and nobody else. I remembered when somebody made a mountain of suspicion out of our closeness with each other. I was badly insulted but was happy somehow. I stupidly enjoyed each moment my parents positively remarked about him and wouldn't talk to him for a day or two if it was a negative remark. It wasn't that I was angry with him for what he did, but I felt he should behave properly like a gentleman when my parents were around. I didn't know why I got that notion. Later on, when he proposed to me, I realized, though I never talked to myself regarding this wish, this was what I always waited for. Then everything was clear to me and I understood myself. I don't regret for missing the state of being in love and then day-dreaming for the day of proposal. Whatever happened to me is exactly the way I wanted.

I came back from my reveries because, after that nothing happened to amuse me. It was a skill of few to make you feel guilty before you ask them for an explanation. He got that. I was never happy with him again. But I tried to find happiness in the misery of my state. I believed in my love unknowing that it would thrash me someday like this. They say.. Time heals the wound. But I can't even bear this unreasonable wound till that time comes. It is painful and scorching.

Un-Happy New Year 2009

The most insufferable woman in my life makes me really mad, everybody around me are looking down on me for my nasty behavior. I cut my hair too short and fought with her using some cheap weapons of the kitchen with serious intentions of a murder. I felt like a Raskolnikov.

I am almost bankrupt. badly waiting for the salary day. No prospect to recover before three months.

I hate to go home not just for the problem 1, but everyone at home is behaving exactly in the way that irritates me. And also, they are stupidly after me for that one 'Yes', which would add 100 more things to this list.

Long weekend is OK, but this long weekend is too long to be OK.

PS: There are few more to be listed but I think they are insignificant and I could get over them easily.

Kostanzhoglo

Here is a very small and impressive piece of Kostanzhoglo's speech to Chichikov when the latter requests his advice on estate management.

If a carpenter handles his axe well, I am ready to stand and watch him for two hours, such a cheering effect does work produce upon me. But if you can also see with what object all this is being done, how everything about you is multiplying and increasing, bearing increase and income- Well, I cannot express what takes place in your spirit then. And it is not because your money is increasing —money is nothing in itself— but because all this is the work of your own hands, because you see that you are the source of it all; that you are the creator, and that from you, as from some magician, good and abundance are showered upon all. Now, where else will you find me such another enjoyment?