Suggestsome title -5 (Contributed by Nasheeda Anjum)

Sashi opens the door indifferently to find the boy very excited as someone in possession of a great surprise. When Pranathi peeps out with a sweet smile, Sashi's expression changes immediately from dejection to surprise that somehow connects to life and everything beautiful. For a moment, he forgets everything and is happy to see her. They exchange greetings with bigger smiles. How much bigger the smiles may be, they fail to convey how happy the two are at this moment.

Pranathi getting hold of her thumping heart, sighs with an expression of at-last-i-have-found-you and inquires Sashi why his mobile phone is switched off. Sashi grins a bit to save some time to think of what to answer. He says that he lost his mobile with a little effort. He finds himself a pro in lying, remembering his experiences with his father and the ease, with which he did it again with Pranathi too. He is sad that he needs to use his special skills for sometime with others too and happy that he saved himself for the moment.

The little boy, who brought Pranathi to the room, leaves with a bit of disappointment as that rude fellow, Sashi even forgets to thank him. Pranathi, not waiting to be invited or asked, comes in and tells him about her surprise visit. Sashi though suddenly became happy, conceals it and tries to manage that this happiness shall not change his decision. He takes a deep breath to change his mood, to reflect that he is not so happy for all she did. He asks her when she did plan all this.

Pranathi ignoring all the general questions, says, "I have been observing you since a fortnight. You seem so dull and detached. First I thought, you are stressed at work but it continued unusually longer, I just couldn't understand the problem. Then one day, probably last Friday, I thought, that we shall meet, thinking it could make you happy and it did. I could see it in your eyes." Sashi, realizing that his efforts to put on the mask of fatigue are gone in vain, relaxes himself. Sashi giving a smile to himself, asks her when she arrived and how she convinced her parents.

Pranathi pulling her brows closer, exclaims "Sashi, I already told you that I came here by 10.00AM and that I am staying with my friend Radhika, the nerdy of our class. Did you remember Radhika? the one who used to scare all the boys, even to look at her. Oh OK, OK! Not again. I know, it is probably, 74th time I am telling you about her. But Sashi, You are still not yourself. What happened to you? Are you angry with me for anything? Aren't you happy for my coming here? Tell me, what's bothering you. I don't mind even if you wouldn't share your happiness with me but in times like this, you should better share. I feel, I can do anything if only you give me a chance. I know, it is too much to say, but I sincerely feel that."

Pranathi takes a pause for few seconds and gets into a different topic not to overburden Sashi with her special feelings for him. She says, how she thought of lying to her dad that she has to attend an exam in B'lore . how she reasoned it to be not worth lying and gave up. and then how for the first time she went to her dad so boldly and asked him for his permission to visit her friends in B'lore. She says that her dad was apprehensive a bit (natural for a daughter's dad), but gave permission. Pranathi continues profoundly "You see, it is all because of you. The feeling of being in love with you gives me lots of happiness and confidence, and I don't find anything to worry about. Everything looks brilliant" She stops again checking herself, how she is getting back to expressing her feelings for him.

Suddenly silence falls upon and they don't know how to break it. It is dark in no time, and observing it, Pranathi stands up to take leave. Sashi insists her to have dinner with him and takes her to Forum. He drops her back at her friend's place after the casual dinner. They make a tryst for the next day @ ISKCON temple.

All the night, Pranathi thinks of everything that could possibly worry Sashi, but coudn't be sure of anything. Sashi, on his way back, calls up his parents to make sure that they don't knock his door next day like Pranathi did that day. and sleeps thinking how he shall give her the letter, whether to post it or to give her directly.

Next morning, Sashi and Pranathi meet at ISKCON temple, take the blessings of Krishna. They make some place for themselves to sit on the stairs. This time, determined Pranathi says "Sashi, I really don't know what is bothering you, I guess, it something serious, I also understand, you don't want to share it with me and I am OK with that. Shall I say something? (proceeds with his nod) No situation is good or bad to handle. No problem is difficult or easy to solve. It all depends on how you handle it, whether you accept and adopt or stand up and fight back or just run away. I just want to tell you to be happy with your decision, even if you feel like running away. I know it is easier said than done. I believe, we all know (almost) all the possible solutions for every problem we face, but often we favor our minds over hearts and vice versa in view of rationality. Excuse me for my lengthy lecture. But be happy always like my dear old Sashi" She hums that filmy song "mujhse naraz ho to ho jao. khudse lekin khafa khafa na raho.. mujhse tum door jao to jao, aap apne se judaa na raho.." and takes his right hand in her hands mimicking a pleading posture.

While loafing around the Brigade Road, Pranathi, pulls out a purple colored T-shirt which says "Avoid hangover, Stay drunk." from the bag she brought with her. She hands him this saying "I am fed up of taking. So this time I want to give you." Sashi unfolds the shirt and smiling at the quote keeps it to his chest as if asking her how he looks. From a near-by shop, Sashi takes a pashmina shawl that compliments her light apricot colored skirt. When he gives it to her, thinking "Perhaps, this is the last one", he thought, he just thought of it, but he actually said it aloud. Pranathi notices this with a thud in her heart.

A happy day passes like a minute. They find that they can't have lunch together as she needs to catch the kacheguda express. They reach the railway station on time. Pranathi settles herself in S1, 59 (she prefers upper berth) while Sashi brings her food and water.

Sashi after so much struggle gives her the letter and asks her to read once she reaches home. As the train starts moving with a whistle, Pranathi, wearing an expresssion of i'll-miss-you-like-hell in her eyes says "take care and be happy". Every time she parts with Sashi, she feels, she is being taken away from herself. Soon her face turns so miserable, as if she has more painful story than Sashi's. Her eyes have a request for him. A request, to be happy, to be like that old and happy Sashi. Her image, through that little rustic train window, gets stamped in his heart as he stands helplessly.

Publisher's Note: When Nashi sent me her story, I was surprised to see, what I thought in my mind. But in the end, I felt so sorry, that Sashi gave her the letter. I didn't expect it at all. I thought of making him tear it away for Pranathi's love. But now, as Nashi writes it, lets us go on, as this is the way, unexpected and unwanted things happen in real life. Thank you, Nashi.

The fame game

I had quite fun taunting my colleagues. Actually that wasn't my motif when I commented on that Fwd "No God, Know God". But as it went on, I felt interested and loved replying to comments. From this exchange of messages, I found out, there are people, who want to be included in the discussion, which is not of their understanding, for which, they don't have anything to contribute. They finally do it by saying, we must stop the discussion, otherwise it would lead to something intolerable. They stop it forcibly. Childish minds!

That was when I realised, that this group is yet another fools' paradise.

I fell in love for the fourth time.

Every time, I fall in love, it seems the last . I feel, I could never again love anybody like this. It starts out of nothing exquisite. First, I try being a ruthless examiner of his work. I try to criticize, but secretly admire. Then one day, this admiration comes to the level, I can't hold it inside.. I feel like giving a hug and then a peck on his cheek.

This time, it was with Dostoevsky. I am so excited to copy out an excerpt from his book, "Crime and Punishment". So read on, you may also fall in love.

He dreamt that the whole world was condemned to a terrible new strange plague that had come to Europe from the depths of Asia. All were to be destroyed except a very few chosen. Some new sorts of microbes were attacking the bodies of men, but these microbes were endowed with intelligence and will. Men attacked by them became at once mad and furious. But never had men considered themselves so intellectual and so completely in possession of the truth as these sufferers, never had they considered their decisions, their scientific conclusions, their moral convictions so infallible. Whole villages, whole towns and peoples went mad from the infection. All were excited and did not understand one another. Each thought that he alone had the truth and was wretched looking at the others, beat himself on the breast, wept, and wrung his hands. They did not know how to judge and could not agree what to consider evil and what good; they did not know whom to blame, whom to justify. Men killed each other in a sort of senseless spite. They gathered together in armies against one another, but even on the march the armies would begin attacking each other, the ranks would be broken and the soldiers would fall on each other, stabbing and cutting, biting and devouring each other. The alarm bell was ringing all day long in the towns; men rushed together, but why they were summoned and who was summoning them no one knew. The most ordinary trades were abandoned, because everyone proposed his own ideas, his own improvements, and they could not agree. The land too was abandoned. Men met in groups, agreed on something, swore to keep together, but at once began on something quite different from what they had proposed. They accused one another, fought and killed each other. There were conflagrations and famine. All men and all things were involved in destruction. The plague spread and moved further and further. Only a few men could be saved in the whole world. They were a pure chosen people, destined to found a new race and a new life, to renew and purify the earth, but no one had seen these men, no one had heard their words and their voices.

No matter, No title-2

We are friends again! But as I decided, I will behave myself, and try not to get into any more ordeals.

No matter, No title

Finally I learnt this lesson. I learnt why I shall not depend emotionally on friends, why I shall not take anyone for granted, and why I shall not take everything so easy. I should have listened to them, may be that would have lessen my pain today.

Why couldn’t I notice you, when all else did? Why didn’t you give me any clue? No, you must have given them. I only might have got blind to see it clear. You gave me the first hint, when you told me “how disgusting I am”, and the second one, when you asked me “Is it so?” for the most obvious, and may be more, and I could have failed to notice.

I think, I was just waiting to listen to the last of all. Now, It was over for whatever the reason. So please get out of my life forever, I didn’t know It was this easy to say this. By the way, I should certainly appreciate your shrewdness, for you managed to maintain a friendly relation with me this long. Now, I feel like spitting on your face. I don’t care if tomorrow is a great day for you. You spoiled my today.

May be I would become friends with you again, but this pain will remain, this post will remain to remind me how scheming you are and how stupid I am.

Swirled up in Total Perspective Vortex

Temporarily I enacted Marvin's role.

One evening, I had gone into this pensive mood, thinking about the meaning of life and all. After so much thinking and breaking up heads, I lost the purpose of living. What difference could I make to this world? I am such a nonentity. I lost the enjoyment of life. I felt, I lived for so many years and this is the time, I should take leave. Suddenly, I got this strong urge to erase myself.

I thought 'Oh no! What am I thinking? I shall call someone to get out of this depression.' I called up Bhavani, but couldn't tell her the problem. Who doesn't have problems? Is it OK, if I call them for pouring out my own problems? No, No, I shall not. I should take care of myself. I tried to care myself. Had a talk with uncle about general matters. Watched TV, Read for sometime. Nothing made me feel better. May be I should call my guru? I called him up hesitantly and told him about a common friend's birthday. I got to know he was yet to have his dinner. So I was backed.

Next day was also gloomy, though it wasn't as bad as the day before. That evening, I got a call from a friend, and there was no stopping me, I talked as if I'm badly in need of someone to talk with. Though I was complaining about the depression, I started feeling better. I hung up almost after 40 minutes. That was a rare thing I do. My life also must have had the purpose which is though unclear now, will be revealed by time. May be I would call somebody, just in time they need someone to listen to?

Suggestsome title -4

Vexed with himself, Sashi reproaches his parents and Pranathi all the time, to make them not to think of his own unfair actions. He comes to a point when he can no longer proceed with this ordeal. He decides to get lost from everybody's life. As he isn't courageous enough to commit suicide, he wants to run away from home and his commitments. He resigns to his job . Just a day before the planned day to disappear from all known people, he sits on his bed with a note book. He writes a letter to his father.

Nanna,
I am leaving. You had been my best friend all the time which is a rare thing for a man. But how can you change so quickly just for a girl is with me. Aren't you selfish to ask me not to love the one I love and love someone you bring? Am I not a free man? I know, these are all unnecessary questions to be asked now. You may think I am ungrateful sort. Yes I am. You made me so. You don't need to worry, as I'm neither going to die nor going to marry her. Though both the options seem better, your son is so lame to opt for them. I'll go far from you and her, hoping I'll never run into any of you for I cannot forgive you and I cannot answer her.
Sashi

Sashi, after writing this note, reads it four times to notice something is missing. Searching for the missing thing, he proceeds to his second letter. i.e for Pranathi.

Pranathi,
I'll not call you 'jaan' anymore. Actually I'll not call you at all. I hope, this would be my last communication to you. I am leaving for some unknown place. I am sick and tired to find fault with you and to get rid off you. But I didn't find one. Everyday, you seem to be better and I feel myself uglier. So I give up. I have only one way. A face to face confession. I am so unworthy of you. I cannot marry you for reasons I can't ignore. I could even go without giving you this note, but I want you to know that I too knew what a cruel thing I am going to do.
Sashi.

Sashi reads this also four times. He starts imagining how they would feel after he goes away. May be mother would faint as they show it in the movies. Father would be in rage to kill me off. How about Pranathi? Will she forgive me? Does she tear this note and resolve to forget me or would she keep it under her pillow and keeps crying? Sashi takes a nap with similar thoughts running in his brain.

That evening, Sashi burns his Sim card and packs up all his luggage. He thinks of the final question which he didn't think of till now. Where am I to go? What am I to do? How does it make difference? OK I will take the bus whichever comes first. I'll decide about the work later. He takes the note book in which he has written letters for the two people he loved. While he keeps them in envelopes, the door bell rings along with the shouting of the boy downstairs, He opens the door for the boy.

Author's note: When I read my posts again, I saw Nicholos and Sonya of War and Peace here. Though I like Natasha very much, I respect Sonya for her kind are rare to find. I wish she wins in this story even being submissive.