Ages ago, there had been a spark of love or something that was deliberately considered love. And it was put off as soon as it started out. Now, after many years, if he falls in love with somebody or somebody falls in love with him just before my eyes, am I supposed to feel jealous? May be 'yes' for a noble girl. But I prefer being myself to being noble. (It's my vanity to give statements like this. I know, it wasn't good when one is reforming oneself. But still, please excuse me this time. Let me have it for giving strength to the speech.)
Far from jealousy, I am happy for the two and wouldn't even care if they kiss each other before me. I would even like to let my present lover (just a fancy!) to fall in love with other women if they are of some matter (like a mother for a son I'd examine them first, I don't know why. but just now, I thought I have the right to do so). May be it's not quite true of my being magnanimous like this. But I would like to be like that. It feels good though it's painful.
I talk in disorder for I am very happy to be reading Dostoevsky(B.K) again. My jealous-less feelings are all generated from him for he described in such a detail what monstrous disasters, jealousy could bring and how good you can count yourself if you keep it away. Believe me, I would not have felt jealous about the former one, even if I haven't started reading it. I taught myself at least few things like this, without my teachers, without my parents and without reading books. See, I am such an egoist, you give me a moment, I start talking about myself. Let me take you back to the new love that sprouts.
I tell you one thing, may be it's place is not here, but still I tell you otherwise I may forget. I terribly pity them for I am secretly scared that it won't work out and is not worth trying. I don't want it be so. But against my wish, that's what is going to happen. I keep getting premonitions for few things and they certainly become true.
To you, only to you, a small note. You both are my dear friends. I can't see you becoming painful to each other for it pains me too to take sides even for a short time.
Far from jealousy, I am happy for the two and wouldn't even care if they kiss each other before me. I would even like to let my present lover (just a fancy!) to fall in love with other women if they are of some matter (like a mother for a son I'd examine them first, I don't know why. but just now, I thought I have the right to do so). May be it's not quite true of my being magnanimous like this. But I would like to be like that. It feels good though it's painful.
I talk in disorder for I am very happy to be reading Dostoevsky(B.K) again. My jealous-less feelings are all generated from him for he described in such a detail what monstrous disasters, jealousy could bring and how good you can count yourself if you keep it away. Believe me, I would not have felt jealous about the former one, even if I haven't started reading it. I taught myself at least few things like this, without my teachers, without my parents and without reading books. See, I am such an egoist, you give me a moment, I start talking about myself. Let me take you back to the new love that sprouts.
I tell you one thing, may be it's place is not here, but still I tell you otherwise I may forget. I terribly pity them for I am secretly scared that it won't work out and is not worth trying. I don't want it be so. But against my wish, that's what is going to happen. I keep getting premonitions for few things and they certainly become true.
To you, only to you, a small note. You both are my dear friends. I can't see you becoming painful to each other for it pains me too to take sides even for a short time.
3 comments:
I can say, one of them know its not gonna work [and I think the other person have no idea abt it], if at all there is anything like that. she doesnt even think its love and may be history is tryin to repeat itself and may be its jst a spark of love or something that was deliberately considered love.
probably its her exaggeration thing as you say, ok I admit, things arnt same but they arnt as different as you are thinking.
There is nothin like [worth ?] tryin, and whatever you said is right, its not gonna work but do understand k no one here is tryin to make it work.
And finally, I dont think, you will ever get a chance to defend, whoever it is.
Is that what you kept thinking about in bus yesterday and thats why you phoned me, my dear mom?
Hurt? Ah! so it served the purpose. Believe me, I am not as good as you suppose. I am a cheat. I hug you when you need it and at the same time, I laugh at you for you need it. Don't believe me if I say something to please you. They are all lies. I am just an imposture before you. I am thinking about this.. the hatred for you not about your affair, at which I laugh again
jeevithamlo......
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