When I grow up

There is no better solace to this miserable soul than scribbling here.

I've tried socializing myself at an office outing. Completely failed to mingle and successfully and severely attacked by an unbearable headache. Never again, I'll make another attempt. 

Wedding season: Friends and their new friends. Babies: Friends and their little friends. Friends -alone, as strong as they were before. I've visited Visakhapatnam after five years. Old memories are as fresh as the new ones.

I took efforts to look younger. Breathed out more to push the tummy in and later disgusted at myself for the silly attempts. 

Organizational changes at home.  My father is taking care of my grand mother (my mother's mother), the hag, the sharp tongue. I called my father shameless for forgetting the abuses she had used against us. But I know in my heart, sometimes, being shameless is above humanity.

Received some costly but untimely and thoughtless gifts.  Gift givers, please note this point. If you don't have brains, I'll gift a piece of mine.

Hooked up with Moliere. Very much liked Animal Farm. Currently reading Midnight's Children.

Continuously awed by Mike Scruggs. I have decided that I must become Mike Scruggs when I grow up.

Dreadful young kids!

Isn't it just few days ago that I have come to this place as the youngest person. And now! All elder people have either disappeared or busied themselves in world tours. Everyone around looks unpardonably younger to me. I wish I could curse these kids gray hairs and dry skin next time when they look at me piteously. They put on airs without effort. One smiles at me sarcastically because one could finish the work in a day which I have scheduled for a week. Another treats me a fool because he could read 'anything and everything' whereas I was stuck with Dostoevsky. One carries around a superior feeling for one thinks though I am aged, my manners aren't greatly improved.

Well, I've calculated the 'few days' as 5*365 + 3*30 days.

My best friend's wedding

On 30th April, my father got through a surgery for the road accident he had on 24th April. The same day, my best friend and my best friend's best friend called me to invite me for their long awaited wedding on 28th May. I congratulated both of them and was happy. Years ago, I thought my happiness for this occasion was impossible. Over the time, I realized that there is a mysterious equation which turns your foes to friends and friends to foes and you know not when.

3D, Chaitu and I attended the wedding. 3D and Chaitu left early because of their personal engagements. So I had to join them either at Rajahmundry or at Eluru on our return journey. During the wedding, I was honored with the privilege to do what I want to do at my friend's wedding as if I was one in their family. I didn't want to misuse this honor so I left with my best friend's family when they saw her off at her in-law's place.

I wanted to spend the remaining time I had before joining 3D in the old way. I had a walk about Godavari ghats to search for a hideout where I could sit and philosophize my life while enjoying the view of lively water which was shy and calm a moment and was shocked and splattered by a speed boat in another moment. My search was in vain. Before I could find a goofy place, I found a curious event where a bunch of people(of all ages) gathered and were rejoicing Annamayya sankeertanas on the occasion of his birthday. As I was no more a music lover, I continued my previous search. But then, I heard some meaningful words being uttered by a singer as a preface to an equally beautiful song. So I got in and listened to the full song. Surprisingly the same song was sung by five more artists both young and old.

The first few lyrics of this song go like this..

Ekkadi maanusha janmambettina phalamemunnadi
nikkamu ninne nammiti nee chittambikanu.

Listen to it once, you'll listen to it thousand times. BTW, this song is not annamayya's sankeertana but his son's. It is one more beautiful question and elegant submission to God similar to the one in "Arziyan" from Delhi-6.

My geek hero

I have fallen in love with Mike Scruggs for the way he understands an idea himself and makes others understand it in the same way and for his super confidence to dissect the problem and debug with complete accuracy and no assumptions. I wouldn't mind even if he calls me a fat head. I must have been really one if he calls me so. I am captivated by 'His Excellency'.

Ex-Friends

Not the ones who'd say "I never thought of you so. let's be friends.", but the ones, who will join you for shopping, loafing, talking, not-talking, fighting, laughing, crying, partying and everything that is possible to share with or without your will. I have had some similar friends who would match with me at-least in one way of thought. I enjoyed to spend time with them because it gave me comfort and convinced me that I was still sane. Now, all of us are so changed that one would be surprised to think of any existence of slightest friendship between us based on our extra learning. Meant no offence. I have learnt nothing. I came back to zero and I'm starting afresh.

So as you see yourself, friendship is impossible now. Let us part and be ex-friends. You can break up with me first, if it gives you any comfort. Forgive me. I started to think that friendship is no lesser myth than love.

Me? or You?

The voluminous hatred for my boss is shifted to someone whom I treated like a favorite teacher. Every word he speaks irritates me. His presence itself disturbs me. But why? He had probably been the same from beginning. Then, why am I finding faults with him now? Why I had been blind before? Is he changed? or am I changed?

Kins, Friends, Foes and Books

If I say something, don't believe me till I repeat it for 5 times. I pass some stupid statements even before they form their shape in me. I am always in hurry.. always. I said I'd write at-least once in a month and I hid myself for several months. By the way, 5 doesn't have any significance, it's just a random number below 10.

The point is.. these days.. it is very difficult to think of anything new. Every thought is already thought by a better thinker and a better analysis is made ready. So all one can do is to analyse that analysis and dare not to think more. Hmm..even if one is allowed to think, there is no real value one can add to that initial one. Initial thinkers get too shrewd. It probably gives them the feeling of ruling the world. They leave no place for others. Leaving these irrelevant talk for some other post, let me come back to my usual gossip about home, friends, colleagues and books.

I always wondered in the latter half of my hostel life, why I had been so attached to home. Now I remember everything I missed. Home is a heaven. All the day, when you are either bugged by a bugger or chased by your manager or irritated by some fool you want to ignore, your mom at home will do some magic that you'll forget everything and everyone. Happy and feeling lucky to live with my parents. I wish my sister is also with us. Emotional tone doesn't suit me. Let me stop here.

Hadn't met Nashi till last Saturday. Sowmya arranged a get-together at Lamakaan. "Lamakaan" in short is a gifted house for artists and no-artists. Nashi and me thanked Sowmy so much for having shown us this place. We did some stupid thing too in excitement which will not be revealed for now. Last month, I met my best friend, Bhavani. She hasn't changed at all. She might have been improved inwardly but her behaviour and her treatment of me is exactly same as it was six years ago. It didn't occur to me that we hadn't seen each other for so long. May be that is why I call her my best friend.

Office has become loathsome. I have seen through almost everybody. Some people suddenly become insolent though I don't recall any incident which could have evoked these feelings in them. People just kill each other to show off the little work they have done and nullify the others'. Seriously, some people guide me how to reply to their mail and forcibly make me take their dictation in their favour though I rarely submit. I started disliking Sreeram also. He is not the one but there are some real scoundrels of whom I'm worried about. They wouldn't even let me ignore them and disturb me until I loose my patience and say something they deserve.

I am reading "The possessed" by Dostoevsky. The same is also named as The Demons in some nations. It is a profound satire against the intellectuals who induce the seeds of revolt into ordinary people and drive them crazy for their own benefit. Dostoevsky has the special skill of mixing an ordinary story with most interesting dramatic elements. Praveen, thank you so much for the book. Tell me what do you want in exchange?