Swirled up in Total Perspective Vortex

Temporarily I enacted Marvin's role.

One evening, I had gone into this pensive mood, thinking about the meaning of life and all. After so much thinking and breaking up heads, I lost the purpose of living. What difference could I make to this world? I am such a nonentity. I lost the enjoyment of life. I felt, I lived for so many years and this is the time, I should take leave. Suddenly, I got this strong urge to erase myself.

I thought 'Oh no! What am I thinking? I shall call someone to get out of this depression.' I called up Bhavani, but couldn't tell her the problem. Who doesn't have problems? Is it OK, if I call them for pouring out my own problems? No, No, I shall not. I should take care of myself. I tried to care myself. Had a talk with uncle about general matters. Watched TV, Read for sometime. Nothing made me feel better. May be I should call my guru? I called him up hesitantly and told him about a common friend's birthday. I got to know he was yet to have his dinner. So I was backed.

Next day was also gloomy, though it wasn't as bad as the day before. That evening, I got a call from a friend, and there was no stopping me, I talked as if I'm badly in need of someone to talk with. Though I was complaining about the depression, I started feeling better. I hung up almost after 40 minutes. That was a rare thing I do. My life also must have had the purpose which is though unclear now, will be revealed by time. May be I would call somebody, just in time they need someone to listen to?

Suggestsome title -4

Vexed with himself, Sashi reproaches his parents and Pranathi all the time, to make them not to think of his own unfair actions. He comes to a point when he can no longer proceed with this ordeal. He decides to get lost from everybody's life. As he isn't courageous enough to commit suicide, he wants to run away from home and his commitments. He resigns to his job . Just a day before the planned day to disappear from all known people, he sits on his bed with a note book. He writes a letter to his father.

Nanna,
I am leaving. You had been my best friend all the time which is a rare thing for a man. But how can you change so quickly just for a girl is with me. Aren't you selfish to ask me not to love the one I love and love someone you bring? Am I not a free man? I know, these are all unnecessary questions to be asked now. You may think I am ungrateful sort. Yes I am. You made me so. You don't need to worry, as I'm neither going to die nor going to marry her. Though both the options seem better, your son is so lame to opt for them. I'll go far from you and her, hoping I'll never run into any of you for I cannot forgive you and I cannot answer her.
Sashi

Sashi, after writing this note, reads it four times to notice something is missing. Searching for the missing thing, he proceeds to his second letter. i.e for Pranathi.

Pranathi,
I'll not call you 'jaan' anymore. Actually I'll not call you at all. I hope, this would be my last communication to you. I am leaving for some unknown place. I am sick and tired to find fault with you and to get rid off you. But I didn't find one. Everyday, you seem to be better and I feel myself uglier. So I give up. I have only one way. A face to face confession. I am so unworthy of you. I cannot marry you for reasons I can't ignore. I could even go without giving you this note, but I want you to know that I too knew what a cruel thing I am going to do.
Sashi.

Sashi reads this also four times. He starts imagining how they would feel after he goes away. May be mother would faint as they show it in the movies. Father would be in rage to kill me off. How about Pranathi? Will she forgive me? Does she tear this note and resolve to forget me or would she keep it under her pillow and keeps crying? Sashi takes a nap with similar thoughts running in his brain.

That evening, Sashi burns his Sim card and packs up all his luggage. He thinks of the final question which he didn't think of till now. Where am I to go? What am I to do? How does it make difference? OK I will take the bus whichever comes first. I'll decide about the work later. He takes the note book in which he has written letters for the two people he loved. While he keeps them in envelopes, the door bell rings along with the shouting of the boy downstairs, He opens the door for the boy.

Author's note: When I read my posts again, I saw Nicholos and Sonya of War and Peace here. Though I like Natasha very much, I respect Sonya for her kind are rare to find. I wish she wins in this story even being submissive.