A bad day turned into good

Yestermorning, pinni planned to go somewhere and left before me. She told me to give the key to a aunt who is a friendly neighbor to pinni. As pinni left, i locked the house and gave the key to that aunt. That time she was leaving to take bath. As I was walking to the bus stop, i suddenly remembered that i forgot to take my cell phone.. I ran back hoping she wouldn't get inside the bathroom. I rang the door bell. No.. it wasn't working. So I knocked the door. There was no reply. and soon i heard the sound of water. I stood there for about 10 minutes. and the water sound was stopped. So I knocked again.. no-reply. waited for two more minutes.. So i thought she didn't hear me. Then, i knocked again. Now she replied to wait for 1 more minute.

She opened the door and shouted at me for knocking the door. I explained her the reason.(which i have done very few times.. or never?) She gave the key back. She made a face of dog and told me to give the key to any other.

I felt very humiliated to face this unexpected blow up. This incident waxed my phobia of "think 1000 times before asking someone for help". I was badly hurt. I wept all the way to my office not even caring the pity looks of the people around.

In the evening, me and nashi met in central. we started with a sweet hug. This is how sweet, i feel to be with my friends.. We wandered there for more than half-an-hour.. and filled the stack of things to buy when we get more money. We left the place feeling It is not for people like us. Nashi was thirsty so we came out searching for a kiosk(of our range). We found a book shop and got in without a word. This time, we didn't feel all that we did in central. we selected our books. She paid for my books and i paid for hers. We got into the shop beside for snacks. spent some more time eating and drinking.. we left at 9.00pm with another sweet hug.

Me and nashi planned to meet atleast once in a month.. and this time, our meeting place will be that book shop. Everytime we meet, we should buy a book for others if the last month's book is finished. Good idea. Isn't it?

Happy Birthday To You..

Happy Birthday Yellows

You aren't as beautiful as of then.. but you got a special place in my assests.. more than the expensive gifts and the best compliments. Not too long, just for some more time.. stay with me to remind i was not badly detested.

Nari alias Kashyap

Though i have many male friends and they are equally and sometimes more close to me than the best of my girl friends.. I could feel a noticable pull back of my feelings before them. and i will take my feelings through many levels of filtration. This may be possibly because of the natural reciprocation..

But late in my life.. I found this guy, Kashyap. impressively simple. You can find out just seeing him that he is not simple just for the sake of impressing. The best thing i like about him is he will not wear a mask as most of us do. He can confess. He can share the silliest things of his life. He can laugh. He can make you laugh. He can pull the child out of him.

I was not used to believe in blind friendship.. but now i do. I came to know it is not the way we become friends is important.. and WE are important.. He is someone you can catch up any time and let your heart out.. He will never make you uncomfortable digging in personal life.. He just thinks.. we are together.. That is the happiest thing.. and nothing else matters..

When he is with me.. I feel, we are friends from ages and there is nothing more to share.. everything is just to be remembered.. our first meeting, next and next.. and our cross chemistry.

I still have his humble mail confessing that he is not really Kashyap and he is Narayana Murthy(Nari).
Thank you so much Nari. I am so happy that our life roads crossed. Mistakes are sometimes good.. Otherwise i would have missed such a good friend.

Results are out...

but not the consequences..

I expected it all... but still sticked on. That was my nature. but not any more. I could see no point still pinning deep. and that isn't the purpose of me being here.

Nashi.. this time silas is wrong.. Pain is not good. It was more than the worst times i ever have had. but I am not even able to taste that tingle in this pain. It is flat. It is tasteless.

Many have asked me the difficult questions.. still i could answer them not thinking twice. and so you say i am tough. But this time, I was dying to take this decision. Shall i be myself being selfish and stone-like? or do i need to pay the price back and compromise?

Will i be able to stand if i make the second choice? Can i fight with myself which i always found harder than fighting with any else?

My modest dreams of yesterday...

walking barefeet in the rain when i was just allowed to peep through the window.
hoping my b'day never falls on sunday..
sitting on the soft cushioned sofas..
to touch the sky and pick the stars.. meaning it literally.
for a longer summer vacation filled with fun and mischief..
to become someone(I didn't know what), but someone rich enough - to invite my rich friends home.
and many more...(to be added)

There you are...

There you are... smiling like an angel, me... lured by a magic magnet.
There you are... glad and grinning, me... left throbbed.
There you are... aiming for the heights, me... nothing beyond your love.
There you are... walking on the moon, me... excited at every glimpse of him.
There you are... placid and proud, me.. blurred in the crowd.
There you are... not caring to look back, me... wondering where i left myself.
There you are... reading this post, me... hoping that you would re-read to know the veiled.

T_ _ _s

I accept you are the last I consider
when I am down in the dumps even knowing --you are my only solace

Today I suddenly realized the need to acknowledge you,
when you seem to be angry with me as you are away when I need you.
who used to be my forever friend when I miss the world.

I never told you that I like you, but I really do
when you are with me and when you touch me on my cheeks
and like you more when the rock inside melts down
and more when you make me feel alive.

Promise me that you accompany me when I need you.
Please promise me but not like the liars do.

Friend

I defined "disgusting" for you, but you defined "friendship" for me.

Thanks. I am grateful to you.

shameless

Here, everyone writes blogs on equality of sex and woman. They feel, everyone is impressed by the way they are. But when it comes to execution, they are more stupid and sticky to what they have learnt from the male chauvinists. They have a big list of not-to-do s for girls... Really i am not lying. A girl can't go out with her male friends because it is also in their list. She shouldn't be emotional untill they themselves want her to be. They call it Patience- virtue of woman, They keep their cool even when she cries to the sky. They say, they are bold. In the end, if she wants to get some change to herself, they will ask "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?". Why did she allow those senseless fools to ask her that question?

redraw the line

He tells..

--Going around someone and annoying the one can make the one like you. but sure, the one never loves you. Just remember.

Imbalance

She says...
--I pampered you so much that you forgot that i too need your attention. For everyone outside, our love looks perfectly pretty. but it's me who feel- it is one sided and you employed me for the pampering job. If not always, atleast once in a while, i too want to feel the way, a boy treats his girl friend. Everyone says, "In love, you don't have rights to ask, you just give." If that is the case, please, don't question me, if unknowingly i show that impact on the way i treat you. Of course i'll never do that. You are my weakness and you are my strength. Believe me, I love you.

Tell him

She wrote in her diary
--Someone go and tell him to hurt me more and more as he always does so that i'll stop being crazy about him

lite

“Lite teesko. Ivanni lite”
If I say, “it’s ok” it’s not actually ok. It is “It’s ok” because it’s you.

“I didn’t expect that you would take it lite”
I didn’t take it lite. But I don’t want to cling on. Thus it is “it’s ok”.

T-dodo is on strike

Four dodos N-dodo, P-dodo, R-dodo and T-dodo happened to be friends. T-dodo works in 215 and the rest in 106. T-dodo meets them at canteen for tea break and lunch break. P-dodo is not talking with T-dodo, as she didn't receive his call when she was in bus. T-dodo sensed that her presence or absence doesn't make any difference for her mates. Many times, either R-dodo and P-dodo will talk about not-to-be-asked matters or R-dodo and N-dodo will talk about their never-ending monumental project. T-dodo is feeling completely different for their behavior. You know what T-dodo is going to do? She won't go for tea with them and will give a miss call to R-dodo. If they want to come with, they will come. T-dodo is happy alone.

T-dodo doesn't need importance but she can't bear ignorance.

pyaar ka sara

Hum ko hogayi hain mohabbat,
par unhe kaise batayein.
batana hain chahat ko,
chahat se kaise batayein.
voh samne aye to lab sil jaaye..
voh door jaaye to ankhein bheeg jaaye.
batana hain haal-e-dil..
par hain bas ek mushkhil..
dar hain kahi..
toot na jaaye.. yeh dil
choot na jaaye.. yeh ehsaas
bikhar na jaaye..yeh armaan
reh na jaaye.. tanhayee..
yeh dard meetha sa
hain ek anookha ehsaas
tumse milkar mila
hain na koi gila.. hain na koi shikwa..
tum hume chaho.. na chaho..
hum tume chahenge,
jab tak phool khushbu se mila hain.

Happy Valentine's day.

My dear friend vichika wrote this lovely piece.
I liked it very much and so copied from her diary.

Does it need a title?

I am sorry; I couldn't post the stories as I promised. Someone (somehow) deleted my second story and I myself deleted the third one, as I think, I didn't present it, as it should be.

Important Notice: I have gone mad and I could hardly write anything. So don't believe everything I say, when I am mentally ill. Use your brains.

I thought of writing a story but I also thought it is better if I keep shut than to mis-present the sensitive stories. Also I have so many things inside me. If I don't keep them out, they will die out. So here is the flow of thought.

I read "Love Story" by Eric Segal. Simple and Superb. Too far from that of Shitty Sheldon's idiotic plots, vulgar details of love making, and unbearable slang (Do you think he deserves more??). I am saying this, in spite of the fact that I read much of that crap.

"Love Story" is pretty decent. I enjoyed the playful conversations between Oliver and Jenny. They are not just fun, they always made me to throw myself into one of those two characters. I matched myself with Oliver, not-so-grown-up character. Going in with Oliver, I liked Jenny, and her way of irritating/looking in me, I mean Oliver. She is damn impressive. I think, I should have read this very early. Don't ask me, if this book has influenced me. May be it has.

One of those conversations made this stir in my mind.
How we can love one, without letting that one to see through our imperfection? When we know; we cannot act for all our life, why do we mask our little flaws? Do we fear of missing that one, who can't accept what we are? Certainly, it is a breakdown for the one inside, if our love can see the negative side, which we carefully conceal. Still, it's sweet as love comes along. If not, what good love is for?

When I say -I am in love with someone, what do I mean? Is that just I like him? (Plainly, I like many others) Or is that I cannot live without him? (If I meant this, I am a big liar. I can live, until I can). Or is that I can take care of him if he lets me to? (But it's always mutual, I believe. Love stands in reciprocation. I can love him, but I can never beg for his love) Then why do I say- I love him?? So If I have said- I am in love with anyone, I would like to take my words back. I don't love anyone. I don't.

Now you believe I am crazy. Don't you?

Alas

I lost my post.

The gift

Let us start Feb 14th celebrations. As a piece of mine, I want to write a small story everyday (not exactly) till 14th. Some of these stories are real and some are not. Unfortunately, most of the stories end with a heartrending break up. Today’s story is one that sort.

14th Feb, 200X.
The two met and wished each other “happy valentine’s day!” No one knew what their relation was. Suspect yeh hai ki, even they didn’t know what they were. Friends? Or Lovers? She never thought someone would love her till the day she was introduced to him by a close friend. As she expected, he brought a small gift for her. She was happier than ever to confirm her suspect. She took it and said “thanks so much” with her heartiest smile of shy. He was looking into her eyes and she couldn’t.

She was tensed as if it was her chemistry exam and felt everyone around was observing her. She handed him the gift to hold and said that she would take it while leaving. After sometime, she left for the work without taking the gift. He was disappointed by her behavior. What a stupid she was? If she didn’t like him, why did she take the gift first? And why did she give it back?

After a few days, when they got closer than before, she asked him about the gift. He said that he had thrown that in dustbin, reasoning her atypical behavior. She asked him to tell at least what that gift was. He never said. After few more days, she asked him again about that gift. Then he said that he had given that to someone else.

Before long, they became good friends (Lovers?). They had given a shoulder to each other and fought sometimes too. They were parted and had gone in different pathways.

She asked him again about that gift when they met. He said that it was with him, but he misplaced it. Even knowing everything, she didn’t stop asking him about the gift whenever they met and he didn’t stop giving reasons.

She asked herself, why the hell she didn’t take the gift when she should. And why she was after that when everything was over? She whispered to herself that she told him when she was about to leave and waited for few minutes expecting that he would give that gift back. She left as she was nervous to ask him the gift.

She wanted to know what that gift was, as it was given on a special day by a special person of her life, the one who taught her many things or rather who had been a co-learner on the training grounds of life. He used to say, “When you love someone, tell them. It doesn’t make you lesser. Let your heart be completely filled with love; keep no place for ego, jealous, and anything else on the earth”

She loved him, might not as much as he loved her. But he never believed. They broke up their doubtful relation (love) as they thought they weren’t for each other. They strengthened their intact link (friendship) and moved on. But she kept on asking him about the gift

I love my dad because..

my dad is fun,

my dad has got brains,

my dad is pin point accurate.

but most of all..

i love my dad because he is my best friend.

Happy birthday nanna!

What can i gift you, when i owe you my life??

Beware!

so frank that one never minds a bit of other's feelings, honest to reveal one's crooked thinking,
can be good for everything except you,
can act like a hen laying eggs but never lays one,
shows you off to make you wonder all your life,
can drug you to love the hell, one pulls you in,
shows you loads of love and care, which one never really have,
embraces not to cuddle you up but to cease your freedom,
to define your limits,
to end your life.
The lovelight, you see in one's eyes is delusion.

does God exist?

When someone asked me this question, i was in dilemma whether to say yes or no. I thought if i say NO and God doesn't exist , I'll be right.. But what if God exists and He hears me saying that I don't believe in Him? He feels bad.. who knows what he blesses (curses?) me with? I decided to say YES.

Do ghosts exist?
another perplex question. This time, I said NO. If they don't exist, I'll look brave to others. If they, I am sure, God also exists. So as i said i believe in Him, sure he'll save me.

Good logic! Isn't it?

heart that aches and bleeds

got this phrase from Mr. Mulliner speaking by P.G. Wodehouse. Reading that, my heart leapt as if, it met its old friend who agrees with it or who has the same opinion as it has.

Few days back, I asked my friends " why do we feel pain in the heart when we get hurt? " Most of them laughed at me saying " Go and get a check up.. probably u might have a heart problem. " Ofcourse, few gave me reasonable reasons and One is.. "It's not exactly the heart that aches. For some people it may be the brain. Depends on the person. If the person thinks his soul rests in the heart, the heart aches. if it is the brain, the brain aches. It is actually the soul that gets hurt and so you feel someone crumpling the container."

What do u say??

after all, a girl is a girl

I didn't want to go out, but i couldn't refuse, I was meeting them after a very long time and i truly want to spend time with them but not outside. They planned for a movie, Thank god. it was cancelled. So they changed the plan to Godavari Road cum Rail Bridge. What could i do? I told my mother, that i was going out with them, She looked at me for a moment. I could see everything, she didn't say, but she wanted to. She didn't want me to go but she said "Go, but come early". I tried to tell her something, but stopped. I changed my dress(her fav. dress) to cool her.
It was not the same feeling, i usually get when i am there at river. I was tensed abt my mother. I didn't hear many of the things they said. I was lost at home. Every moment, I was reminded of my mother's fear for sending me with 4 boys. It was 8.00pm. But none of them were concerned abt me. That was all because of me. I never behaved like a girl. Sasi gave me the title "MAN in WOMEN" and I was proud of that. Stupid me. I wanted to go home and hug my mother before she calls me. At around 8.15pm, one of the four told me to go and it was very late. Thanks. Atleast one remembered me. I dropped my friend at kkd bus stop, which is near to my house.
Atlast, I was going home. but I lost my way in the dark streets. some boys were shouting as they were mad. I thought of calling my dad. i felt It was silly. I found one landmark-women's college, but i didn't know which side is that. Finally i called my dad, He & sandhya were coming from the hospital. My father gave me some directions and he came. I was back to home by 9.20pm. Mom was lying on sofa. I hugged her to know the status. She just pushed me away. I thought, It was not better to disturb her. My sister was also angry with me. Next day, I expected my mother wouldn't talk with me. but she was normal. That day i was leaving for hostel. I went into kitchen to say her "bye". She hugged and told me two things..
1. not to do friendship with boys
2. not to roam outside

reasonable reason

The wild wind of feelings made me to write this. This wind has no direction. No.. it has, but many. I am going with this wind wherever it takes me. This wind has many colors.. agony, love, hatred, pain and tears. I can't keep this storm of feelings anymore within me. I will blow out soon. I shall prepare to stand it. In this process, I may hurt others who are very dearer to me, and i often hurt myself. This self punishment bruises the heart. I was racking my brain for a long time to know you in vain. But this needs an end. I can't put you out of my heart and i can't even be quiet without breaking the ice. One day i will go so far from you and you will be searching for the exact moment that made us apart.