Ex-Friends

Not the ones who'd say "I never thought of you so. let's be friends.", but the ones, who will join you for shopping, loafing, talking, not-talking, fighting, laughing, crying, partying and everything that is possible to share with or without your will. I have had some similar friends who would match with me at-least in one way of thought. I enjoyed to spend time with them because it gave me comfort and convinced me that I was still sane. Now, all of us are so changed that one would be surprised to think of any existence of slightest friendship between us based on our extra learning. Meant no offence. I have learnt nothing. I came back to zero and I'm starting afresh.

So as you see yourself, friendship is impossible now. Let us part and be ex-friends. You can break up with me first, if it gives you any comfort. Forgive me. I started to think that friendship is no lesser myth than love.

Me? or You?

The voluminous hatred for my boss is shifted to someone whom I treated like a favorite teacher. Every word he speaks irritates me. His presence itself disturbs me. But why? He had probably been the same from beginning. Then, why am I finding faults with him now? Why I had been blind before? Is he changed? or am I changed?

Kins, Friends, Foes and Books

If I say something, don't believe me till I repeat it for 5 times. I pass some stupid statements even before they form their shape in me. I am always in hurry.. always. I said I'd write at-least once in a month and I hid myself for several months. By the way, 5 doesn't have any significance, it's just a random number below 10.

The point is.. these days.. it is very difficult to think of anything new. Every thought is already thought by a better thinker and a better analysis is made ready. So all one can do is to analyse that analysis and dare not to think more. Hmm..even if one is allowed to think, there is no real value one can add to that initial one. Initial thinkers get too shrewd. It probably gives them the feeling of ruling the world. They leave no place for others. Leaving these irrelevant talk for some other post, let me come back to my usual gossip about home, friends, colleagues and books.

I always wondered in the latter half of my hostel life, why I had been so attached to home. Now I remember everything I missed. Home is a heaven. All the day, when you are either bugged by a bugger or chased by your manager or irritated by some fool you want to ignore, your mom at home will do some magic that you'll forget everything and everyone. Happy and feeling lucky to live with my parents. I wish my sister is also with us. Emotional tone doesn't suit me. Let me stop here.

Hadn't met Nashi till last Saturday. Sowmya arranged a get-together at Lamakaan. "Lamakaan" in short is a gifted house for artists and no-artists. Nashi and me thanked Sowmy so much for having shown us this place. We did some stupid thing too in excitement which will not be revealed for now. Last month, I met my best friend, Bhavani. She hasn't changed at all. She might have been improved inwardly but her behaviour and her treatment of me is exactly same as it was six years ago. It didn't occur to me that we hadn't seen each other for so long. May be that is why I call her my best friend.

Office has become loathsome. I have seen through almost everybody. Some people suddenly become insolent though I don't recall any incident which could have evoked these feelings in them. People just kill each other to show off the little work they have done and nullify the others'. Seriously, some people guide me how to reply to their mail and forcibly make me take their dictation in their favour though I rarely submit. I started disliking Sreeram also. He is not the one but there are some real scoundrels of whom I'm worried about. They wouldn't even let me ignore them and disturb me until I loose my patience and say something they deserve.

I am reading "The possessed" by Dostoevsky. The same is also named as The Demons in some nations. It is a profound satire against the intellectuals who induce the seeds of revolt into ordinary people and drive them crazy for their own benefit. Dostoevsky has the special skill of mixing an ordinary story with most interesting dramatic elements. Praveen, thank you so much for the book. Tell me what do you want in exchange?

The Butter

Man is obsessed with the sole desire to control others. He thinks.. the best he could do it is with wealth and the second best is an emotional trap.

Note: When I generalise things, they are more about myself.

Sasi

Sasi died in an accident and I am not missing him at all, save the times when I talk to my friends and they remind me how he used to be. I forgot everything he did. I forgot how close he was to me. Now, I am feeling bad as I am not able to feel sorry for him and his family. I have become stone-like. I remember, I was very worried, when chichikov's friend, whom I never met died in a similar accident. Seems like, I have got into the common view of life. Out of sight, out of mind. or have I started accepting death as inevitable for others?

Sasi was one of my closest friends in college. We played jolly many times and fought like kids and kept a "mirror on my side" when one of us is tired. He treats me like a sister and calls everyone he suspects to be in love with me or I am in love with as 'bava'. He gifted a magical pencil on my birthday to write what I wish. But I have never tried it. Last time, he spoke to me, he called me 'paakidaana' for not telling him something. I liked him very much when we were friends.

Sorry Sasi. I cannot figure out what brought this distance. It would have been better if we preferred fighting to being out of touch.

Fyodor Dostoevsky meets Anna Snitkina

Courtesy: 26 days in the life of Dostoevsky

The Handsome Villains

Ram and me are going on silent fight like school girls. Probably, he must have realized(thought) that I don't respect his intelligence like others do. But he is wrong, I really do. Ask Chichikov, how many times I wondered and felt jealous when he cracks a problem in 5 minutes on which I'd be working for 5 days. He belongs to the genius category. But I don't like him when he tries to humble himself 'acting' as an ordinary guy. I don't get how others can believe him when he does that. It is obviously not true. These days, we are being phony with each other. He never replies to my mails and doesn't share anything with me until asked even if it is very important for my work. I too stopped addressing my mails to him and he will just be one in the CC list. I am happy that, now I can officially report to Sreeram.

I am digressing too much from the title. Let me get back. Today Ram trapped me into assisting our customers without asking me. He clearly knows how I dread meeting them. I was scared but I didn't have an handy excuse. I was counting minutes to meet the scariest people I had to work with. My only consolation is that the main villain, Ashok would not be here and I just have to meet his entourage.. Tushar who keeps pinging with questions you have never bothered before, Dave who is not a frequent questioner, but pops up once in a while in a sarcastic way and Anil who quakes the mail server ferociously.

Ben came to drop me off at their office and we were waiting for Tushar in the reception area. I expected to see a middle aged person with his popped up tummy covered in his jacket. That is how I imagined him while reading his mails. I am surprised when a college dude in his T-shirt came and introduced himself as Tushar. I was shocked and couldn't hear what he was talking for about two minutes. I kept wondering if he is really the person who made my job pitiable to myself. He took me to Anil's office. I made a mistake again. The ferocious 'Anil' is very very attractive. He is accurately dark enough to be handsome and is with a perfect smile when he speaks. Suddenly Raj flashed on my mind. I was not ready to receive any more surprises. Tushar introduced me to Dave. I felt happy that atleast Dave is like how I expected him to be. Tall and strong. Once we got into the work, I observed that Dave is not really arrogant or sarcastic as he seems to be in his mails.. In-fact he is very meek and informative who tries to carry all the little details in his head. I was right about how he is.. but not what he is.

I was surprised that they are achieving higher performance with our product than what we advertise. After visiting their office, I realized that hardware and software are like a married couple. One should complement the other like in a jig-saw tooth. Only then, both would be appreciated on the long run. I also realized that experience is just an excuse. Everyone has a different experience-O-meter. It should just be set to fast forward to see the wonders one can do. Whatever.. from now on, I'll be replying to these handsome villains with certain amount of "special" interest. :P I certainly want to get back the honor I lost.

Statutory Note: Names are changed for confidential policies defined by home company and customers'.

Thanks

Kind words are easily spoken one can't even take them in their real sense these days and kind deeds are rarely done that they would seem to haunt you for life. Thanks to Anupama and Chetan who are constantly helping me here. After long, I got to learn something nice from others.

I'm loving it..

I am a stupid if I don't update my diary now when things are really exciting and when each mail in my mail box is opened with much anticipation. I' m lil' afraid but still enjoying to watch the war being in the battlefield and to choose the side while tapping my chin.

I don't remember if I have updated you all about one of our customers chopping and then crushing me to nothing few days ago. I didn't hear any word from anyone regarding that inside the house except Narayan's verbal consolation. They either might have believed what I'm accused of or I am considered a machine.

Now when things are much better in control, when everybody is anxious to grab a piece of accountability, the universal villain comes again with a fire bug along with a bunch of specially chosen humiliating words. Ha Ha.. All of the sudden, everybody drops off the dear one and starts accusing each other. People who can't show fingers at will start giving lame excuses and workarounds. This is the most fun part.

Thanks to the Super Villain for bringing the hero out of everybody in the team.

Boo Radley - 2

Irony is, Boo Radley to whom I wished all the bad things comes to my office to say

"Had your lunch? If you need anything don't hesitate, just call me I will be
either in my office or in the lab. Take care."

I don't know whether he would remember that he told me this, but I felt ashamed of my prejudice.

Oh God! When would I get to know you?

This week was comparatively less stressful and at the same time more painful. I have got a really bad mail from a customer. Nobody ever made me so greatly ashamed. I can't even share with you how it happened. I had been sandwiched b/w our own confidential terms and the customer's interrogative questions. I doubt the customer is a retired detective in Defence department. I was very much disappointed by Ram's response when I showed him the mail. He just said "Let's wait and see how the big guys respond?" What!! Aren't you one?? I immediately advised my kids(I mean Saritha and Dev) to never accept to support a customer.

When the customer was about to kill me with his fangs oozing the strongest words of insult, I called Narayan, an FAE from US office to give me some help. I am not exaggerating but he completely relieved me from all the pain. He asked me to relax and not to respond to any of the customer's scene creating mails and to answer only for clear technical questions. After talking to him, my impression of Ram got strengthened. We secretly named our small work room "The Release Factory" because we don't know when Ram would say "Today we have a release." I hate Ram even more when he is together with that new guy. They both will go to an extreme as it would blow you brains out. Nobody here likes me when I criticize Ram. So don't get away even if you are bored of my office gossip.

I thought I was dreaming but not. Chichikov has really become devotional. He is going to church on Sundays. His laptop's wallpaper is now Jesus wearing the crown of thorns and some message by the side. I thought anybody including myself would do that but not Chichikov. How mysteriously the impressions are broken. On the side thought, why am I never made to realize God? why am I remorseless? do I have to wait yet? what else can change me when Raj's death couldn't do it?

Lolita is certainly a fall after you read Dostoevsky, Chekov, Gogol and Tolstoy. Nabokov was not even upto the mark that Turgenev made. I have been reading it from a month but there are still 100 more pages to go. The book is not as attractive as it's cover. He might have had a point, but it is all diluted by modernism and illustrations. In the meanwhile I completed The Essential Calvin and Hobbes. I liked Calvin evaluating performance of his nature-loving dad as dad.

The heavy week

This week was the most 'incidental' week of my whole life. It is full of activities. At office, I had to release something or the other every two days. Just not that, I had to receive and accept all the comments from reviewers and customers whether I like it or not. Most of the times, I don't like them. Nashi was almost living at her office. But she taught me with so much difficulty over phone at midnight how to make a paper cube without glue. My intention was to learn the same from her ten year old little sister, Faiza. Because of the wrong timing, I was trapped with Nashi's terrible teaching skills. At last, I could make something badly crumpled only to make it look like a cube. Personally, little happiness. I talked to a friend after five months. But before I share this with Chichikov, a dramatic twist happened in his life and he was doomed. And the doom spreads as everything does among friends. With Asha, I never expected any friendly relation would rise b/w us. But I nearly cried when I talked to her yesterday. Secret is(Of course not anymore), I wept when she was walking down the aisle. Then I wished her to be the most irritating wife. Now my intentions are quite opposite. I wish them to be happy together. Dolores Haze and Humbert Humbert are just ignored. I didn't catch up with them from a week. I know, I will regret later, but I hate my parents as much as I hate my other relatives.

Nagamandala

Nagamandala, Written by Girish Karnad, Directed by Ram Mohan Holagundi.

This play is not for general crowd (which pitifully includes me) who would enjoy the slapstick humour though one never believes in it for true. Not for them, who may actually sympathise with the misery but would be anxious to cover it in the cheek twitches of guffaws. This is for the real art lovers who would want to enjoy the confusion of the protagonist by her husband's dual personality, his don't-ask-me-why's and when he asks her to keep her pregnancy a secret from himself.

Attractions:
1. Mrunal, who acted as Karudavva is superb. She has got a very strong voice and a very distinct expression.
2. Playwright (Ashutosh) and Story wearing the song(Sowmya) roles are small but lively.
3. The little boy who acted as dog seemed to have done proper research on dogs.
4. Occasional dances of the 'flames'

Drawbacks:
1. Repetitive scenes and felt dragging in the middle. I think, Ram didn't take any liberty to cut it short from the novel.
2. Though English is universal, Telugu or Hindi translations would have been excellent.

Moral of the story:
In Story's words, People would accept a woman either as slave or as a Goddess, but never an equal.

To my surprise, the owner of a random blog, I have been following for an year or so, was there last night and had complained about our kind of group in his post. Sorry Sir! Thanks to all my friends, who came along with me for the show and been through the two endings of the story.

I am a fool, I thought of rewriting my hate poem. That can never be.

What happened: I fought with my HR. (I hate her the most. believe me, more than Harpreet)

Result : I had the usual "special meetings" with my Project Manager about the "special privileges" I had.

Conclusion : I am not speaking to my HR (silly. I did that always) and avoiding my manager.

Consequence : I don't speak to half the people around. (Coercive Diplomacy)

Future Plan : Dust off the resume(Where is it??).

Neighbouring Prospect : I guess, I would just be 'normal' in a week.

May be it's not a gender issue at all and I misconstrued the whole point. Possible. Even then, I couldn't be silent when one tries to control me or make all the decisions for me even if that one is my employer(My (poor) parents know this better!!). It is just horrible to bow your head for whom you have no respect. It is good to work here but one would be forced to hate dealing with HR-dominated management.

I do not wish to have any "special privileges" just because I'm a woman.