At this time, my confession is utterly useless for it doesn't know it's target or it's objective.
I'm a woman and of 42 years old with two kids. Yesterday was our twentieth wedding anniversary. Our kids insisted us to have a small gathering with common acquaintances and we had the party. A grey haired gentleman in the neighbourhood, whom we invited for the dinner said, we were the ideal couple he had ever seen. Me and my husband looked at each other and thanked him trying to look flattered. We know what we are not. His comments (probably compliments) heavily perturbed me. I slept very late and woke up early for this confession.
A long time ago, before I got married, I was attracted to a person, who was equally attracted by me I suppose. But for the cautiousness of people in the early stages of love, we didn't talk of it and later we never talked for we were so similar even in our bad qualities. We used to carry ourselves with excessive pride, showing it whenever necessary to wreck the other as if we were weighing on our shoulders the hatred for each other from generations, forgetting that we were actually in love and it is love that is to be shared.
Before we could move an inch in this affair, I got married with another person. It was an arranged marriage but not a forced one. For about four months, I hadn't known what was happening around me. Probably, most of the time was spent in travelling and receiving new people. When we two were left alone to live together, I came back to this world. First day, I didn't cook. He didn't complain and brought some food from outside. I didn't eat. He hadn't asked me to eat.
I convinced myself that it was me who was guilty, who was to take the punishment. So I decided not to trouble this poor man with my childish behaviour. We voluntarily shared our responsibilities to run the home. We started talking to each other about money, food and the home and readily agreed with each other. We made love for the irrepressible craving for the sex, without attraction, without passion, without love. We had kids but never had been really attached to each other.
I guess, he was also punishing himself for something through this marriage. Otherwise, we would have been divorced on the first day, we were left alone. One good thing is, we don't have any qualms about each other and are socially comfortable. We never fight because we never talk more than that is necessary. We don't walk together. We don't hug. We don't care for each other and never shed a tear. But still we will be called an ideal couple at the price of our lost dreams.
