Engagement of deception

I am just like you, a bit talkative, emotional, honest, intelligent [I think so ;) ] and sometimes over-confident. Then why me when I am no different from anybody? Why am I deprived of cherishing those days of youth. Why is it all filled with that person who promised me the moon but gave me up for a good-looking and dowry bringing rich lady. I couldn't convince myself that it is only because of money. I can't make him accountable for such an unforgivable sin. Isn't it unforgivable?? I looked at him so high and never would be able to imagine him otherwise. May be , not so high, because he started lying to me from few months, even when it is unnecessary. May be, he is testing if he could successfully bully me. Even after all this, I had a hope, a feeble one, that he is just faking but actually the person he presented to me along with his propositions.

After I heard of his engagement with that rich lady, I am shattered. There was nobody at home except my little sister, to whom I shall behold the stature of an ideal inspiration. So I busied her to watch her favorite show and locked myself in my room. I thought I should better talk to some of my friends. It was too late. But who looks at the clock to disturb a friend? I know beforehand what they would say. I know how typical their consolations would be.. But still would want to listen from them. All of them said the same thing but in their own style that he doesn't deserve me and that I shall be happy to have ridden of him at last. I suspect they are happy for what happened. They reminded me of their prophecies that we weren't a match. I talked to them as if I believed all they said.

I laid on my bed and remembered the days when we played as innocent kids but with a favoritism towards each other. I knew him by birth. Everybody was jealous of us, because we help each other and nobody else. I remembered when somebody made a mountain of suspicion out of our closeness with each other. I was badly insulted but was happy somehow. I stupidly enjoyed each moment my parents positively remarked about him and wouldn't talk to him for a day or two if it was a negative remark. It wasn't that I was angry with him for what he did, but I felt he should behave properly like a gentleman when my parents were around. I didn't know why I got that notion. Later on, when he proposed to me, I realized, though I never talked to myself regarding this wish, this was what I always waited for. Then everything was clear to me and I understood myself. I don't regret for missing the state of being in love and then day-dreaming for the day of proposal. Whatever happened to me is exactly the way I wanted.

I came back from my reveries because, after that nothing happened to amuse me. It was a skill of few to make you feel guilty before you ask them for an explanation. He got that. I was never happy with him again. But I tried to find happiness in the misery of my state. I believed in my love unknowing that it would thrash me someday like this. They say.. Time heals the wound. But I can't even bear this unreasonable wound till that time comes. It is painful and scorching.

Un-Happy New Year 2009

The most insufferable woman in my life makes me really mad, everybody around me are looking down on me for my nasty behavior. I cut my hair too short and fought with her using some cheap weapons of the kitchen with serious intentions of a murder. I felt like a Raskolnikov.

I am almost bankrupt. badly waiting for the salary day. No prospect to recover before three months.

I hate to go home not just for the problem 1, but everyone at home is behaving exactly in the way that irritates me. And also, they are stupidly after me for that one 'Yes', which would add 100 more things to this list.

Long weekend is OK, but this long weekend is too long to be OK.

PS: There are few more to be listed but I think they are insignificant and I could get over them easily.

Kostanzhoglo

Here is a very small and impressive piece of Kostanzhoglo's speech to Chichikov when the latter requests his advice on estate management.

If a carpenter handles his axe well, I am ready to stand and watch him for two hours, such a cheering effect does work produce upon me. But if you can also see with what object all this is being done, how everything about you is multiplying and increasing, bearing increase and income- Well, I cannot express what takes place in your spirit then. And it is not because your money is increasing —money is nothing in itself— but because all this is the work of your own hands, because you see that you are the source of it all; that you are the creator, and that from you, as from some magician, good and abundance are showered upon all. Now, where else will you find me such another enjoyment?

You, the reminder of those sweet moments,
Happy Birthday.

Downfall

The shadow of grief gets inside and pinches me here and there to announce of it's triumphant entrance. I stop moving my jaws to make a steady hold. I look sternly at things I once dearly loved. My mind goes blank from thought. The shadow makes its move forward to nip my heart like a cruel murderer and blows it into nothing. My poor heart looses it's heart in the midway. The victorious shadow dashes in to block my nostrils and to put me to suffocation. My head weighs a heavy load and tears roll off my cheeks from the swollen eyes just to make those wretched dry marks. At that moment of self-pity, I only wish to fly to my mother and sob in her lap. When I realise I cannot do that, I write here hopelessly for I can extricate myself from this pain in no other way.

Kerala trip

Many a times, when we are bored to death, we guess things of no-importance, we guess things of discreet nature just to entertain ourselves, But in this game of guessing and playing with those ideas, sometimes we miss to mark the clues from within. Later on, how much ever we contemplate on ourselves, we'll never be able to capture those lost clues until a day we surprise ourselves with a double personality.

This is my first tour with friends. I enjoyed each moment of this journey. Dirty sleeper coach, Beautiful Athirapally waterfalls, Romantic Munnar, Girly misunderstandings with Nashi, brightly lit guruvayur temple and not so exciting rope way in malampuzha, bits and pieces of Malayalam we learnt on the way from Soumya's dad, and the dumbo Franscis who will not understand a word of any other language except Malayalam, the melodious malayalam songs(believe me, Pradeep bought those CDs from Franscis on the last day), the houses you dream often to own for yourself, the vibrant colours of those houses, terrible food with coconut oil. And also, there are few more which are either trivial or things that are better be remained untold. Thanks Pradeep and Nasheeda for making it happen. I cherish these days we spent like a family.

Now, you must be wondering how this paragraph 1 and paragraph 2 are related? Yes, there isn't much in common. I just met an other me over there.

PS: More details of the trip are available here in Nashi's blog.

Not yet!

A month passed. I hadn't written even one post. According to the resolution I have taken, today is the deadline to fill this place with some crap. My mind is a bit unstable with happiness. But still I write.. not for the sake of writing as somebody saved me from doing that.

I am happy for many reasons. Today, I met an old friend Smitha at Sowmy's wedding after months. She is not certainly of my kind. But I heavily get influenced by her. She criticises curtly, but she talks all the logic of some perfect world. I admire her for what she is. She threw her ideas to me, after which I wanted to re-write the story 'Lonely Together'.

Before I go re-writing it, here are few more reasons for my happiness.

I fell in love again for the fifth time. You must be knowing by now, that I can fall in love 1000 times(less??) before I die. Have you heard of Nikolai Gogol? The author of Dead Souls. He is the mixture of all my previous crushes and much more. The only bad thing about him is he doesn't know the marketing strategy. He picked up a scary title for such a nice book. If only I am his adviser, I would have given the book a nice title and made him as well-known as Tolstoy and Dostoevsky. I recommend this to all the book lovers. Thank you so much Nasheeda, for taking all the troubles and being subjected to suspicious looks to gift me such a lovely book with a not-at-all suited scary title.

Yesterday was Dostoevsky's birthday. I celebrated with eclairs. Laughing?? Why shan't I? He is the one who kept me busy enjoying the troublesome phase of my life.

We pick out only few from a bunch of friends and call them 'best friends'. When we pick them, we really won't have clear reasons for 'Why?'. We do it blindly with intuition. But when they stand up for you and think what is best for you and keep you to the path when you are straying away, that brings a kind of satisfaction and happiness you can't easily express but can only wipe off the happy tears in embarrassment. Lucky is me to have my best friends.

Today, Sowmya and Ram got married. Their wedding is a simple and happy one. Ram's students made it all bright shouting and dancing. I am happy for both of them. They make a good couple.

Now to the story editing.

The lady of the story, how much ever is she attracted to somebody, she knew when to stop getting the 'crazy excitements' for her mad love and when to stop running after somebody without their consent. For her marriage and love are two different things. They can be put together only when everything goes in sync. She thinks love is full of transient emotions and marriage is only the practical one. She chose not to choose her partner with emotions and chucked him out of her life.

She got married to someone(the same poor fellow of the original story), but why she chose that 'someone' we don't have a clue. She was happy about him. But he remained like the same gloomy poor soul of the O.S(shortcut for the Original Story. I may have to refer to this many more times for it is merely the comparison of the choice consequences). She laughed at his silence. but why? Don't ask me. I am only as much knowledgeable as you are in this matter. What I knew is, she didn't act like his wife but someone he should play his cards right to pursue her. Of-course, he didn't give any heed to her. But she is not disappointed. Why should she be? It is not love to feel that insecurity. She always kept herself available for him with open arms.

He was OK to talk to her as in-charge of the house(as in O.S). In-fact he started liking her, but our hero with torturous conscience felt it sinful even to think of his wife as his own. But everything that isn't yours will pass off. His emotions for his wife took over his gloominess. He courted her with flowers and hummed songs in casual manner but were only meant for her. She smiled to herself with peace at heart that could come only with a wedding.

On 21st December, 1988. he bent his knees to propose to his wife as childishly as a 17 year old will do to his 16 year old girl friend. He changed his lines from usual "will you marry me?". You must observe, they already got married and there is no point in asking her to marry him again. So he said "Forgive me my wife. I had been stupid and took this much time to enjoy the life. I am not as boring as you have seen till now. I can make a good husband."

Now when she is 42(as in O.S), they celebrate their wedding anniversary on 21st December. When they get compliments like 'ideal couple', they try looking pleased for they don't really care for what others say about them. They are happy with themselves.

PS: Title is chosen to shout aloud that I am 'Not yet' dead.