No matter, No title

Finally I learnt this lesson. I learnt why I shall not depend emotionally on friends, why I shall not take anyone for granted, and why I shall not take everything so easy. I should have listened to them, may be that would have lessen my pain today.

Why couldn’t I notice you, when all else did? Why didn’t you give me any clue? No, you must have given them. I only might have got blind to see it clear. You gave me the first hint, when you told me “how disgusting I am”, and the second one, when you asked me “Is it so?” for the most obvious, and may be more, and I could have failed to notice.

I think, I was just waiting to listen to the last of all. Now, It was over for whatever the reason. So please get out of my life forever, I didn’t know It was this easy to say this. By the way, I should certainly appreciate your shrewdness, for you managed to maintain a friendly relation with me this long. Now, I feel like spitting on your face. I don’t care if tomorrow is a great day for you. You spoiled my today.

May be I would become friends with you again, but this pain will remain, this post will remain to remind me how scheming you are and how stupid I am.

Swirled up in Total Perspective Vortex

Temporarily I enacted Marvin's role.

One evening, I had gone into this pensive mood, thinking about the meaning of life and all. After so much thinking and breaking up heads, I lost the purpose of living. What difference could I make to this world? I am such a nonentity. I lost the enjoyment of life. I felt, I lived for so many years and this is the time, I should take leave. Suddenly, I got this strong urge to erase myself.

I thought 'Oh no! What am I thinking? I shall call someone to get out of this depression.' I called up Bhavani, but couldn't tell her the problem. Who doesn't have problems? Is it OK, if I call them for pouring out my own problems? No, No, I shall not. I should take care of myself. I tried to care myself. Had a talk with uncle about general matters. Watched TV, Read for sometime. Nothing made me feel better. May be I should call my guru? I called him up hesitantly and told him about a common friend's birthday. I got to know he was yet to have his dinner. So I was backed.

Next day was also gloomy, though it wasn't as bad as the day before. That evening, I got a call from a friend, and there was no stopping me, I talked as if I'm badly in need of someone to talk with. Though I was complaining about the depression, I started feeling better. I hung up almost after 40 minutes. That was a rare thing I do. My life also must have had the purpose which is though unclear now, will be revealed by time. May be I would call somebody, just in time they need someone to listen to?

The Takeover

Did you see that photo frame on the TV? That was me hugging Amma in that, which was taken on the day of my brother's marriage. Now, It is not there anymore. I wouldn't have felt bad just for that. But it is replaced. Replaced by Dad and Laasya rubbing their cheeks. In the shelf, It was Laasya with those grand mother goggles. On refrigerator, it is Laasya again pulling the Teddy. She is on the bed room teapoy. Even the desktop background is changed to Laasya's.

I am not feeling jealous, but little upset for my time is over to be the princess of the home. It reminds me of my 24 years of being everybody's apple of the eye and today's impeachment from that warmly position which I never can get back. I wonder, why I always hated when I am loved more than expected and did things to hurt others to adjust the love meter. But now, I am throwing glances which say "Little devil!" every time I see something of Laasya. I am thinking, she is the one, grabbing all the attention from my loved ones. She reminds me of my age, seems to tell me not to act childish, and it is her time to do these things. In her presence, I behaved like an old aunt. I didn't try it. It happened so.

I think, it is must to have a competitor, to realise how good it feels to be loved before it is too late. Anyways, It is not a big thing, I will start living without what I didn't care before and what I wouldn't get anymore... Another square with life!

Wall

Sneaked out of my routine work which is somebody's important work. I am here again to blabber. This time it is about my wall of resistance against change of opinions, which poses to be strong but keeps falling under circumstances.

When I read R.K.Narayan, I thought he is the best and no one else can be better. I was with this assumption till I read Wodehouse and I thought 'I was wrong for the first time but will not be so again. Wodehouse is better than the best'. I made it clear to myself that Plum is my fav.

When snort told me to read Tolstoy, I said -- 'I will read. but I am sure he will not be better than Plum'. Snort lent me his book(War and Peace). I opened it with strong determination not to fall into Tolstoy's spell and I read few chapters as I would read something not of my sort. Everything looked chaos. I thought he is someone who gets pleasure of showing females either too innocent, stupid and religious or too shrewd and sly or always complaining. When I moved onto the later chapters, I don't know exactly when., but caught myself growing fond of this maestro. Evidently, the wall of resistance cracked again and needs some repair, which I would do reading more of Tolstoy.

Each time my wall cracks, it is not that my previous favourite is not favourite anymore. It is just an inclusion of new one. While R.K.Narayan smiles and pats me up for tragedies of my life saying "It happens..", Wodehouse tickles me off to laugh at my own follies and Tolstoy keeps me close to reality with his quips, when I get quixotic to achieve perfection.

Reforming

The more I try to understand myself, the more complicated and uglier I look.

I hate to act as if I am quite confident and know what I am, when I am not. I hate to talk as if i have thought of every subject and formed my opinions long before, even when it is the first time i thought of. But why do I do that? Is it that I wanted to be on high in their minds? Or do I fear that I loose my charm if i have any? It is irritatingly pity to be uncertain of oneself.

When I see, some rare people of the mob around, I am awed with their simplicity and my self hatred erupts in humiliation. How could they be so honest with others when I am not able to be like that with myself in certain matters? What a stupid and nonentity am I, among those very simple and very ordinary people!

Let me read you and learn a bit.

No. Please.. I can't

Anita asks me to take part in the skit, which is planned to initiate the fellow members to recognise the exaltation of independence. She doesn't know my problem. Probably you also don't know. I can do multiprocessing with exception of "stand" and "speak" processes at once. I told her the same. She says that the character will not stand but comfortably sits.

Why doesn't she understand? The problem is not to stand or to sit. Stand process, I meant is facing the gang which includes some, I never spoke to and when all are eager to entertain themselves, while i make fool of myself. I told her my decision that i will not take part in the skit. I know, she is hurt and probably thought, i have shown the attitude by turning down the request. I hope, she'll understand it has got nothing to do with attitude and it is my lameness that laid me back.

I remember my dreadful presentations in the past. I feel relaxed now, as they are over. Hopefully I would never have to do it again. I swear, I couldn't feel at ease with at least one even while the count kept increasing.

Sometimes, I try to make the bold appearance but the speaker inside me wobbles. May be the chemical that makes you orate is less in my Blood? That could be the thing which made me comfortable with my job where I don't have to do the sing and dance work (reporting) and this will be done by TL on my behalf.