The Postponed Posts

Many things to share and today I set myself to write them all in short.

1. I was struggling to continue the story for sst4 and realized, story writing is not as easy as I thought when I started it. The problem is to create the problem or actually to kick the existing one. I am not feeling the strength in the plot. So, for the time being, I give up.

2. Few days back, I met my first intermediate classmate in quite an unexpected way while she was making a scene fighting with her boy friend in the middle of the road. I was shocked to see her. She became beautiful but is using the same foul language she once used to do. Unfortunately, I had have to drop her at her place that night for her father's request. So I joined both of them, the girl and her boy friend in the auto. Two are giving their own stories, occasionally abusing each other. Till that time, I was thinking that guy is a body guard, but then I understood he is not. At a point, I thought, forgetting there is no GOD, "God, Why am I chosen to hear all this in the name of love?" That painful and coincidental meeting ended at 11.00PM. Though we exchanged our numbers, I never called her again. I know, I must not.

3. "Mantra" was released for which Pradeep is one fortieth producer. Many of my colleagues and friends watched the movie but I couldn't (Ref. 5) . They say, it is good. Pradeep is happy to see his money back if not profit.

4. Sometimes, everything looks terrifically good though its not really and sometimes, when we imagine, that end of life has come, it sprouts up with beautiful things.

5. I imagine too much and hurt people for no reason. When KC was asking me about the test programs in hurry, I felt he was saying, "You, irresponsible brat, here I am, with so many issues and you. You don't even finish yours and ready for movie." He didn't say all this, he just asked me where my code base was and said he could manage this himself. I only imagined and suddenly canceled my movie plan. When KC got to know I wasn't going, he understood, it was because of him and asked me to go. But I was so stubborn and wanted to hurt him. I was psychic. I thought, he gets hurt, if I don't go. Successful venge.

6. I met my school friend Praveen, who tortured me with all the nicknames and made fun of my skin color. He has changed a lot. He is so big and still boasting of himself. Recalled our school days and classmates whom I almost forgot. I want to get back to my childhood if only I will be joined in some other school away from these Praveens and his fellows. I hate my school except for very few things.

7. Ananth had left. In the informal farewell meeting, he talked about everyone. For me, he mentioned how he took my interview and how and why I was rejected and was in again later. He mentioned about my blog and says it is a neat idea to keep a diary. I think, from now on, I should be careful while writing. Though I am not close to this person, I will miss him teasing me.

8. Lakshmi, who is new to the that place, says pointing to Glory, "She doesn't have her mother. Her mother has gone mad". Soumy and me not knowing how to stop this girl to say anything more stared at each other. But immediately Glory gave her a tight slap with a frightening roar. I was surprised for Glory can take care of herself this well at the age of 3. I think, the feeling they let us born itself is great and we are grateful for that. I missed my mother.

Zindagi migzara

Title courtesy: The Kite Runner.

23

These are the marks I got for 50 in some stupid written test for the placements. When I got to know these marks, I didn't believe and kept on asking him if he was kidding. He said he was saying all the truth and could bet on my marks. So I didn't ask him again. You may think, why the hell I do care, once I am placed. But you see, I would always know, when I am going to score the highest or flunk the exam. I knew, I would have failed for certain in ATFL, if only I didn't get in my teacher's eye. I admit, I passed that exam just because she had that good impression of me and would have given that 'A' grade. And this written test for the placement I am taking about is otherwise. I enjoyed this test and strongly felt I am going to score high or atleast next to the highest. I expected, I would lose only 4 or 5 marks. When I came to know that I got only 23 which is less than half of the maximum, I felt like puking at my false confidence levels. I was upset all the day. I better wouldn't have asked him for my marks. I am so sick and I feel more sick, when my uncles and aunts keep telling their kids to consider me as their inspiration. Why wouldn't they realize, I am not the damn best student and can get only 23 for 50 when I expect 45+.

Weekend

A nice weekend after almost an year, I went to Bhanu's hostel to bring her home. The three hours journey had given me time to think of all those sweet and sad memories. I felt good. On the return journey, we played antakshari, had fun singing all those old songs we once used to copy in the last pages of our note books and learn by heart.

And then Laasya, she looks innocently cute and I can't even think of the grudge for The Takeover and can only hang around and give her as many kisses as possible. She reminds me of my brother. He is the first person I adored and admired. I think, I am feeling those shades of love for Laasya.

On Diwali, Laasya cut the cake for her dad's birthday. After that, we all danced. It was a kind of jungle dance. Mahesh captured it all in the video. Then to crackers. Mahesh, Dad and Sandhya enjoyed. Only me and Gayatri were the spectators and enjoyed watching from the distance.

In the next morning, I thought, This is the weekend I had fun after long. But something was constantly pinching me that it is all too good to last long. I feared, there was something around the corner and was going to grab all this happiness.

And it did. It was Ammamma, as it would be on any other weekends. I don't think, she speaks like that because of her age. She was so all the time I know her. Sharp tongued by birth. Even if she acts mild, she would have some mean reason running in the background. She wants everybody to do all that she says and also in the way she instructs. It isn't her house to insult me to get out of her house as she did all the time in Repalle. I am not bound to listen to all the shit says. But I am hapless to fight back for my mom's sake. I salute her patience for being with ammama all her life. Looking at mom, I can only sigh and suppress the thought of killing her mom off on the moment.

You may think, I am thankless brute. But my ammamma is not sweet like everybody's. She is unique specially made for special ones like me :(

Pierre is falling in love with Natasha

and I with Tolstoy. Perhaps, my laziness could be the natural consequence of this. Everything looks so easy to be postponed. I do not and cannot post for some time as I very well know, how illogical and stupid, someone in love can speak or write. So I refrain from writing till this nasha goes down or atleast subsides.

The Takeover

Did you see that photo frame on the TV? That was me hugging Amma in that, which was taken on the day of my brother's marriage. Now, It is not there anymore. I wouldn't have felt bad just for that. But it is replaced. Replaced by Dad and Laasya rubbing their cheeks. In the shelf, It was Laasya with those grand mother goggles. On refrigerator, it is Laasya again pulling the Teddy. She is on the bed room teapoy. Even the desktop background is changed to Laasya's.

I am not feeling jealous, but little upset for my time is over to be the princess of the home. It reminds me of my 24 years of being everybody's apple of the eye and today's impeachment from that warmly position which I never can get back. I wonder, why I always hated when I am loved more than expected and did things to hurt others to adjust the love meter. But now, I am throwing glances which say "Little devil!" every time I see something of Laasya. I am thinking, she is the one, grabbing all the attention from my loved ones. She reminds me of my age, seems to tell me not to act childish, and it is her time to do these things. In her presence, I behaved like an old aunt. I didn't try it. It happened so.

I think, it is must to have a competitor, to realise how good it feels to be loved before it is too late. Anyways, It is not a big thing, I will start living without what I didn't care before and what I wouldn't get anymore... Another square with life!

Guru Gyaan

Long long ago, when I joined my first job(still with the same), not having much work to do, I wandered aimlessly in the web world. I was surprised to know people from other countries talking about Jiddu Krishna Murthy, about whom I heard just the name and nothing more. I ventured to research on this person as it's my habit to know about the people varying in the range from thugs to highly influential. So I read his writings on Death, Incarnation and in the last "On Love". As I went on reading, I hated myself more and more but I couldn't stop before the last word. I hated his writing and I even hated myself believing what he said to be true. Then I took a copy of it and kept it in my rack.

I forgot about it till recently , I planned to clean the waste in my cube. Read it again. Now being not prejudiced towards love, I felt it more disturbing . It is so sad that we need to go through all this trouble to feel that true love. I wanted to speak to somebody , that moment had stroked me with only one name. But I didn't talk to him as I thought he would think, that I called him to remind my birthday. I restrained for a day. When he called me up to wish , I told him all the confusions, that reading has raised in me. Thank God! He didn't laugh at me. He is my guru. how can he laugh at his student?

He told me, "Hey, You are just trapped into Krishan Murthy's Jiddu. First you go, and read love story again to come out of this status quo. It is very common and natural to feel the ownership on something you love. Let me give you an example. I loved my previous project. So whenever somebody does a check in, I will make sure they do it right and haven't disturbed anything though it is not my work. I feel it is mine." . Yes. You are right guru, even I do that with my FIPS project. I don't feel comfortable even when Sriram does a check in who actually introduced me to this project. So that means, we can feel possessive in love. and it will still be called love. Right? I am not still sure. But it is you, who assured me, so I believe like a child.

Thanks guru.