Monday, February 11, 2008

I fell in love for the fourth time.

Every time, I fall in love, it seems the last . I feel, I could never again love anybody like this. It starts out of nothing exquisite. First, I try being a ruthless examiner of his work. I try to criticize, but secretly admire. Then one day, this admiration comes to the level, I can't hold it inside.. I feel like giving a hug and then a peck on his cheek.

This time, it was with Dostoevsky. I am so excited to copy out an excerpt from his book, "Crime and Punishment". So read on, you may also fall in love.

He dreamt that the whole world was condemned to a terrible new strange plague that had come to Europe from the depths of Asia. All were to be destroyed except a very few chosen. Some new sorts of microbes were attacking the bodies of men, but these microbes were endowed with intelligence and will. Men attacked by them became at once mad and furious. But never had men considered themselves so intellectual and so completely in possession of the truth as these sufferers, never had they considered their decisions, their scientific conclusions, their moral convictions so infallible. Whole villages, whole towns and peoples went mad from the infection. All were excited and did not understand one another. Each thought that he alone had the truth and was wretched looking at the others, beat himself on the breast, wept, and wrung his hands. They did not know how to judge and could not agree what to consider evil and what good; they did not know whom to blame, whom to justify. Men killed each other in a sort of senseless spite. They gathered together in armies against one another, but even on the march the armies would begin attacking each other, the ranks would be broken and the soldiers would fall on each other, stabbing and cutting, biting and devouring each other. The alarm bell was ringing all day long in the towns; men rushed together, but why they were summoned and who was summoning them no one knew. The most ordinary trades were abandoned, because everyone proposed his own ideas, his own improvements, and they could not agree. The land too was abandoned. Men met in groups, agreed on something, swore to keep together, but at once began on something quite different from what they had proposed. They accused one another, fought and killed each other. There were conflagrations and famine. All men and all things were involved in destruction. The plague spread and moved further and further. Only a few men could be saved in the whole world. They were a pure chosen people, destined to found a new race and a new life, to renew and purify the earth, but no one had seen these men, no one had heard their words and their voices.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

No matter, No title-2

We are friends again! But as I decided, I will behave myself, and try not to get into any more ordeals.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

No matter, No title

Finally I learnt this lesson. I learnt why I shall not depend emotionally on friends, why I shall not take anyone for granted, and why I shall not take everything so easy. I should have listened to them, may be that would have lessen my pain today.


Why couldn’t I notice you, when all else did? Why didn’t you give me any clue? No, you must have given them. I only might have got blind to see it clear. You gave me the first hint, when you told me “how disgusting I am”, and the second one, when you asked me “Is it so?” for the most obvious, and may be more, and I could have failed to notice.


I think, I was just waiting to listen to the last of all. Now, It was over for whatever the reason. So please get out of my life forever, I didn’t know It was this easy to say this. By the way, I should certainly appreciate your shrewdness, for you managed to maintain a friendly relation with me this long. Now, I feel like spitting on your face. I don’t care if tomorrow is a great day for you. You spoiled my today.


May be I would become friends with you again, but this pain will remain, this post will remain to remind me how scheming you are and how stupid I am.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Swirled up in Total Perspective Vortex

Temporarily I enacted Marvin's role.

One evening, I had gone into this pensive mood, thinking about the meaning of life and all. After so much thinking and breaking up heads, I lost the purpose of living. What difference could I make to this world? I am such a nonentity. I lost the enjoyment of life. I felt, I lived for so many years and this is the time, I should take leave. Suddenly, I got this strong urge to erase myself.


I thought 'Oh no! What am I thinking? I shall call someone to get out of this depression.' I called up Bhavani, but couldn't tell her the problem. Who doesn't have problems? Is it OK, if I call them for pouring out my own problems? No, No, I shall not. I should take care of myself. I tried to care myself. Had a talk with uncle about general matters. Watched TV, Read for sometime. Nothing made me feel better. May be I should call my guru? I called him up hesitantly and told him about a common friend's birthday. I got to know he was yet to have his dinner.
So I was backed.

Next day was also gloomy, though it wasn't as bad as the day before. That evening, I got a call from a friend, and there was no stopping me, I talked as if I'm badly in need of someone to talk with. Though I was complaining about the depression, I started feeling better. I hung up almost after 40 minutes. That was a rare thing I do. My life also must have had the purpose which is though unclear now, will be revealed by time. May be I would call somebody, just in time they need someone to listen to?

Suggestsome title -4

Vexed with himself, Sashi reproaches his parents and Pranathi all the time, to make them not to think of his own unfair actions. He comes to a point when he can no longer proceed with this ordeal. He decides to get lost from everybody's life. As he isn't courageous enough to commit suicide, he wants to run away from home and his commitments. He resigns to his job . Just a day before the planned day to disappear from all known people, he sits on his bed with a note book. He writes a letter to his father.

Nanna,
I am leaving. You had been my best friend all the time which is a rare thing for a man. But how can you change so quickly just for a girl is with me. Aren't you selfish to ask me not to love the one I love and love someone you bring? Am I not a free man? I know, these are all unnecessary questions to be asked now. You may think I am ungrateful sort. Yes I am. You made me so. You don't need to worry, as I'm neither going to die nor going to marry her. Though both the options seem better, your son is so lame to opt for them. I'll go far from you and her, hoping I'll never run into any of you for I cannot forgive you and I cannot answer her.
Sashi

Sashi, after writing this note, reads it four times to notice something is missing. Searching for the missing thing, he proceeds to his second letter. i.e for Pranathi.

Pranathi,
I'll not call you 'jaan' anymore. Actually I'll not call you at all. I hope, this would be my last communication to you. I am leaving for some unknown place. I am sick and tired to find fault with you and to get rid off you. But I didn't find one. Everyday, you seem to be better and I feel myself uglier. So I give up. I have only one way. A face to face confession. I am so unworthy of you. I cannot marry you for reasons I can't ignore. I could even go without giving you this note, but I want you to know that I too knew what a cruel thing I am going to do.
Sashi.

Sashi reads this also four times. He starts imagining how they would feel after he goes away. May be mother would faint as they show it in the movies. Father would be in rage to kill me off. How about Pranathi? Will she forgive me? Does she tear this note and resolve to forget me or would she keep it under her pillow and keeps crying? Sashi takes a nap with similar thoughts running in his brain.

That evening, Sashi burns his Sim card and packs up all his luggage. He thinks of the final question which he didn't think of till now. Where am I to go? What am I to do? How does it make difference? OK I will take the bus whichever comes first. I'll decide about the work later. He takes the note book in which he has written letters for the two people he loved. While he keeps them in envelopes, the door bell rings along with the shouting of the boy downstairs, He opens the door for the boy.

Author's note: When I read my posts again, I saw Nicholos and Sonya of War and Peace here. Though I like Natasha very much, I respect Sonya for her kind are rare to find. I wish she wins in this story even being submissive.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The Postponed Posts

Many things to share and today I set myself to write them all in short.

1. I was struggling to continue the story for sst4 and realized, story writing is not as easy as I thought when I started it. The problem is to create the problem or actually to kick the existing one. I am not feeling the strength in the plot. So, for the time being, I give up.

2. Few days back, I met my first intermediate classmate in quite an unexpected way while she was making a scene fighting with her boy friend in the middle of the road. I was shocked to see her. She became beautiful but is using the same foul language she once used to do. Unfortunately, I had have to drop her at her place that night for her father's request. So I joined both of them, the girl and her boy friend in the auto. Two are giving their own stories, occasionally abusing each other. Till that time, I was thinking that guy is a body guard, but then I understood he is not. At a point, I thought, forgetting there is no GOD, "God, Why am I chosen to hear all this in the name of love?" That painful and coincidental meeting ended at 11.00PM. Though we exchanged our numbers, I never called her again. I know, I must not.

3. "Mantra" was released for which Pradeep is one fortieth producer. Many of my colleagues and friends watched the movie but I couldn't (Ref. 5) . They say, it is good. Pradeep is happy to see his money back if not profit.

4. Sometimes, everything looks terrifically good though its not really and sometimes, when we imagine, that end of life has come, it sprouts up with beautiful things.

5. I imagine too much and hurt people for no reason. When KC was asking me about the test programs in hurry, I felt he was saying, "You, irresponsible brat, here I am, with so many issues and you. You don't even finish yours and ready for movie." He didn't say all this, he just asked me where my code base was and said he could manage this himself. I only imagined and suddenly canceled my movie plan. When KC got to know I wasn't going, he understood, it was because of him and asked me to go. But I was so stubborn and wanted to hurt him. I was psychic. I thought, he gets hurt, if I don't go. Successful venge.

6. I met my school friend Praveen, who tortured me with all the nicknames and made fun of my skin color. He has changed a lot. He is so big and still boasting of himself. Recalled our school days and classmates whom I almost forgot. I want to get back to my childhood if only I will be joined in some other school away from these Praveens and his fellows. I hate my school except for very few things.

7. Ananth had left. In the informal farewell meeting, he talked about everyone. For me, he mentioned how he took my interview and how and why I was rejected and was in again later. He mentioned about my blog and says it is a neat idea to keep a diary. I think, from now on, I should be careful while writing. Though I am not close to this person, I will miss him teasing me.

8. Lakshmi, who is new to the that place, says pointing to Glory, "She doesn't have her mother. Her mother has gone mad". Soumy and me not knowing how to stop this girl to say anything more stared at each other. But immediately Glory gave her a tight slap with a frightening roar. I was surprised for Glory can take care of herself this well at the age of 3. I think, the feeling they let us born itself is great and we are grateful for that. I missed my mother.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Zindagi migzara

Title courtesy: The Kite Runner.