These are the marks I got for 50 in some stupid written test for the placements. When I got to know these marks, I didn't believe and kept on asking him if he was kidding. He said he was saying all the truth and could bet on my marks. So I didn't ask him again. You may think, why the hell I do care, once I am placed. But you see, I would always know, when I am going to score the highest or flunk the exam. I knew, I would have failed for certain in ATFL, if only I didn't get in my teacher's eye. I admit, I passed that exam just because she had that good impression of me and would have given that 'A' grade. And this written test for the placement I am taking about is otherwise. I enjoyed this test and strongly felt I am going to score high or atleast next to the highest. I expected, I would lose only 4 or 5 marks. When I came to know that I got only 23 which is less than half of the maximum, I felt like puking at my false confidence levels. I was upset all the day. I better wouldn't have asked him for my marks. I am so sick and I feel more sick, when my uncles and aunts keep telling their kids to consider me as their inspiration. Why wouldn't they realize, I am not the damn best student and can get only 23 for 50 when I expect 45+.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Weekend
A nice weekend after almost an year, I went to Bhanu's hostel to bring her home. The three hours journey had given me time to think of all those sweet and sad memories. I felt good. On the return journey, we played antakshari, had fun singing all those old songs we once used to copy in the last pages of our note books and learn by heart.
And then Laasya, she looks innocently cute and I can't even think of the grudge for The Takeover and can only hang around and give her as many kisses as possible. She reminds me of my brother. He is the first person I adored and admired. I think, I am feeling those shades of love for Laasya.
On Diwali, Laasya cut the cake for her dad's birthday. After that, we all danced. It was a kind of jungle dance. Mahesh captured it all in the video. Then to crackers. Mahesh, Dad and Sandhya enjoyed. Only me and Gayatri were the spectators and enjoyed watching from the distance.
In the next morning, I thought, This is the weekend I had fun after long. But something was constantly pinching me that it is all too good to last long. I feared, there was something around the corner and was going to grab all this happiness.
And it did. It was Ammamma, as it would be on any other weekends. I don't think, she speaks like that because of her age. She was so all the time I know her. Sharp tongued by birth. Even if she acts mild, she would have some mean reason running in the background. She wants everybody to do all that she says and also in the way she instructs. It isn't her house to insult me to get out of her house as she did all the time in Repalle. I am not bound to listen to all the shit says. But I am hapless to fight back for my mom's sake. I salute her patience for being with ammama all her life. Looking at mom, I can only sigh and suppress the thought of killing her mom off on the moment.
You may think, I am thankless brute. But my ammamma is not sweet like everybody's. She is unique specially made for special ones like me :(
And then Laasya, she looks innocently cute and I can't even think of the grudge for The Takeover and can only hang around and give her as many kisses as possible. She reminds me of my brother. He is the first person I adored and admired. I think, I am feeling those shades of love for Laasya.
On Diwali, Laasya cut the cake for her dad's birthday. After that, we all danced. It was a kind of jungle dance. Mahesh captured it all in the video. Then to crackers. Mahesh, Dad and Sandhya enjoyed. Only me and Gayatri were the spectators and enjoyed watching from the distance.
In the next morning, I thought, This is the weekend I had fun after long. But something was constantly pinching me that it is all too good to last long. I feared, there was something around the corner and was going to grab all this happiness.
And it did. It was Ammamma, as it would be on any other weekends. I don't think, she speaks like that because of her age. She was so all the time I know her. Sharp tongued by birth. Even if she acts mild, she would have some mean reason running in the background. She wants everybody to do all that she says and also in the way she instructs. It isn't her house to insult me to get out of her house as she did all the time in Repalle. I am not bound to listen to all the shit says. But I am hapless to fight back for my mom's sake. I salute her patience for being with ammama all her life. Looking at mom, I can only sigh and suppress the thought of killing her mom off on the moment.
You may think, I am thankless brute. But my ammamma is not sweet like everybody's. She is unique specially made for special ones like me :(
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Pierre is falling in love with Natasha
and I with Tolstoy. Perhaps, my laziness could be the natural consequence of this. Everything looks so easy to be postponed. I do not and cannot post for some time as I very well know, how illogical and stupid, someone in love can speak or write. So I refrain from writing till this nasha goes down or atleast subsides.
Monday, October 22, 2007
The Takeover
Did you see that photo frame on the TV? That was me hugging Amma in that, which was taken on the day of my brother's marriage. Now, It is not there anymore. I wouldn't have felt bad just for that. But it is replaced. Replaced by Dad and Laasya rubbing their cheeks. In the shelf, It was Laasya with those grand mother goggles. On refrigerator, it is Laasya again pulling the Teddy. She is on the bed room teapoy. Even the desktop background is changed to Laasya's.
I am not feeling jealous, but little upset for my time is over to be the princess of the home. It reminds me of my 24 years of being everybody's apple of the eye and today's impeachment from that warmly position which I never can get back. I wonder, why I always hated when I am loved more than expected and did things to hurt others to adjust the love meter. But now, I am throwing glances which say "Little devil!" every time I see something of Laasya. I am thinking, she is the one, grabbing all the attention from my loved ones. She reminds me of my age, seems to tell me not to act childish, and it is her time to do these things. In her presence, I behaved like an old aunt. I didn't try it. It happened so.
I think, it is must to have a competitor, to realise how good it feels to be loved before it is too late. Anyways, It is not a big thing, I will start living without what I didn't care before and what I wouldn't get anymore... Another square with life!
I am not feeling jealous, but little upset for my time is over to be the princess of the home. It reminds me of my 24 years of being everybody's apple of the eye and today's impeachment from that warmly position which I never can get back. I wonder, why I always hated when I am loved more than expected and did things to hurt others to adjust the love meter. But now, I am throwing glances which say "Little devil!" every time I see something of Laasya. I am thinking, she is the one, grabbing all the attention from my loved ones. She reminds me of my age, seems to tell me not to act childish, and it is her time to do these things. In her presence, I behaved like an old aunt. I didn't try it. It happened so.
I think, it is must to have a competitor, to realise how good it feels to be loved before it is too late. Anyways, It is not a big thing, I will start living without what I didn't care before and what I wouldn't get anymore... Another square with life!
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Guru Gyaan
Long long ago, when I joined my first job(still with the same), not having much work to do, I wandered aimlessly in the web world. I was surprised to know people from other countries talking about Jiddu Krishna Murthy, about whom I heard just the name and nothing more. I ventured to research on this person as it's my habit to know about the people varying in the range from thugs to highly influential. So I read his writings on Death, Incarnation and in the last "On Love". As I went on reading, I hated myself more and more but I couldn't stop before the last word. I hated his writing and I even hated myself believing what he said to be true. Then I took a copy of it and kept it in my rack.
I forgot about it till recently , I planned to clean the waste in my cube. Read it again. Now being not prejudiced towards love, I felt it more disturbing . It is so sad that we need to go through all this trouble to feel that true love. I wanted to speak to somebody , that moment had stroked me with only one name. But I didn't talk to him as I thought he would think, that I called him to remind my birthday. I restrained for a day. When he called me up to wish , I told him all the confusions, that reading has raised in me. Thank God! He didn't laugh at me. He is my guru. how can he laugh at his student?
He told me, "Hey, You are just trapped into Krishan Murthy's Jiddu. First you go, and read love story again to come out of this status quo. It is very common and natural to feel the ownership on something you love. Let me give you an example. I loved my previous project. So whenever somebody does a check in, I will make sure they do it right and haven't disturbed anything though it is not my work. I feel it is mine." . Yes. You are right guru, even I do that with my FIPS project. I don't feel comfortable even when Sriram does a check in who actually introduced me to this project. So that means, we can feel possessive in love. and it will still be called love. Right? I am not still sure. But it is you, who assured me, so I believe like a child.
Thanks guru.
I forgot about it till recently , I planned to clean the waste in my cube. Read it again. Now being not prejudiced towards love, I felt it more disturbing . It is so sad that we need to go through all this trouble to feel that true love. I wanted to speak to somebody , that moment had stroked me with only one name. But I didn't talk to him as I thought he would think, that I called him to remind my birthday. I restrained for a day. When he called me up to wish , I told him all the confusions, that reading has raised in me. Thank God! He didn't laugh at me. He is my guru. how can he laugh at his student?
He told me, "Hey, You are just trapped into Krishan Murthy's Jiddu. First you go, and read love story again to come out of this status quo. It is very common and natural to feel the ownership on something you love. Let me give you an example. I loved my previous project. So whenever somebody does a check in, I will make sure they do it right and haven't disturbed anything though it is not my work. I feel it is mine." . Yes. You are right guru, even I do that with my FIPS project. I don't feel comfortable even when Sriram does a check in who actually introduced me to this project. So that means, we can feel possessive in love. and it will still be called love. Right? I am not still sure. But it is you, who assured me, so I believe like a child.
Thanks guru.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Suggestsome titile -3
6th December, 2004, 6.20AM
Sashi is reluctant and little tensed to attend to his phone call at this unusual time. It stopped ringing, when he reached to it. It was his father, who called him after a bad sleep, worrying about his innocent son and dreaming that all the girls in the world are after Sashi, trying to trap him, but he doesn’t know, for what exactly, they are after his son. Sashi calls his father back. His father, with not-so-happy voice, receives the call and inquires about the last night call. Sashi, who is not prepared to lie, mumbles for a moment and says, that was just his colleague and they were discussing about some problem. Sashi’s father, who is not so stupid to believe all he said, tells him, ‘I know what it is. Listen, I will never approve anything of this sort. But you can continue, if you don’t want to care for us.’ Sashi is shocked, but happy for he expected much more intense scene when his father gets to know about this. From then on, his father takes 1-hour brain wash session, every time Sashi goes home. With this, the super-sharp and witty Sashi, has lost his charm and is always worried with something or the other. He could only enjoy the office hours where he will not get time to think of his father or Pranathi. In the night, he will talk to his father first to make sure that he will not call again while he talks to Pranathi.
All the while, he only knows that he is not happy at all as one in love should be. He calls Pranathi, just because he thinks, he should. He feels, he is responsible to make her happy for once he felt, he loved her and confessed the same to her. He fears, backing away at this moment will make him look down at himself. He is not able to revive the excitement, he felt when he saw her for the first time.
On the contrary, Pranathi feels being love makes her stronger and happier. She thinks, love is a booster and she could do anything. It really shows on her. From the day, she found herself in love, she turned talkative and friendly with all around, though she had once been tagged reticent and closemouthed. She is doing everything with so much ease and at times, she is self-surprised. Her friends suspect that it is not Pranathi but someone else. Every day, she wakes up with a good feeling of being better than yesterday. Specially, when she found herself mistaken for the presumptions she made about her own parents. She thought, they were dogmatic and unfriendly and don’t even allow her to make her own hair style, for which she is so fascinated. But recently with her freedom and choice retained to herself, she understands that they aren’t any orthodox kind, but just had been parents with usual protective nature with teenagers.
She thanks Sashi, because of whom, she gets to know how beautiful life is. She decides never to hurt him not just because she is in love with him, but for some special feeling which she would have, even if she isn't in love with him.
Author's note: Chaitanya and Nashi, both of you wrote very well. I don't want to keep your comments in the back page, I will use them soon in this story (as is) with your courtesy. Santhi, I am happy and lil' shy to know that you do read my posts.
Sashi is reluctant and little tensed to attend to his phone call at this unusual time. It stopped ringing, when he reached to it. It was his father, who called him after a bad sleep, worrying about his innocent son and dreaming that all the girls in the world are after Sashi, trying to trap him, but he doesn’t know, for what exactly, they are after his son. Sashi calls his father back. His father, with not-so-happy voice, receives the call and inquires about the last night call. Sashi, who is not prepared to lie, mumbles for a moment and says, that was just his colleague and they were discussing about some problem. Sashi’s father, who is not so stupid to believe all he said, tells him, ‘I know what it is. Listen, I will never approve anything of this sort. But you can continue, if you don’t want to care for us.’ Sashi is shocked, but happy for he expected much more intense scene when his father gets to know about this. From then on, his father takes 1-hour brain wash session, every time Sashi goes home. With this, the super-sharp and witty Sashi, has lost his charm and is always worried with something or the other. He could only enjoy the office hours where he will not get time to think of his father or Pranathi. In the night, he will talk to his father first to make sure that he will not call again while he talks to Pranathi.
All the while, he only knows that he is not happy at all as one in love should be. He calls Pranathi, just because he thinks, he should. He feels, he is responsible to make her happy for once he felt, he loved her and confessed the same to her. He fears, backing away at this moment will make him look down at himself. He is not able to revive the excitement, he felt when he saw her for the first time.
On the contrary, Pranathi feels being love makes her stronger and happier. She thinks, love is a booster and she could do anything. It really shows on her. From the day, she found herself in love, she turned talkative and friendly with all around, though she had once been tagged reticent and closemouthed. She is doing everything with so much ease and at times, she is self-surprised. Her friends suspect that it is not Pranathi but someone else. Every day, she wakes up with a good feeling of being better than yesterday. Specially, when she found herself mistaken for the presumptions she made about her own parents. She thought, they were dogmatic and unfriendly and don’t even allow her to make her own hair style, for which she is so fascinated. But recently with her freedom and choice retained to herself, she understands that they aren’t any orthodox kind, but just had been parents with usual protective nature with teenagers.
She thanks Sashi, because of whom, she gets to know how beautiful life is. She decides never to hurt him not just because she is in love with him, but for some special feeling which she would have, even if she isn't in love with him.
Author's note: Chaitanya and Nashi, both of you wrote very well. I don't want to keep your comments in the back page, I will use them soon in this story (as is) with your courtesy. Santhi, I am happy and lil' shy to know that you do read my posts.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Suggestsome titile -2
5th December, 2004, Bangalore.
Sashi is not able to concentrate on his work after two days of leave. He did not get a minute for himself as he is unconsciously thinking of Pranathi all the time. All things like brushing, bathing are done with his mind absent. He is getting more and more tensed everyday as Pranathi’s parents are trying to get her married and even in Sashi’s house, there is very least possibility, he could confess about his love and ask them for help. His father even suspected Sashi when he had gone home last time for he was always stuck to his mobile and really spent very very less time with his parents.
He is worried for he has to act fast. Otherwise he may have to pay the price of forgetting his beloved and marry someone his parents will decide. The thought of getting apart from Pranathi brought tears into his eyes. He thought, he is not supposed to weep as he was told all the time that girls will only do wet their cheeks. He wanted to go back to everybody who told him so and give that glare which his father would give him every time he lies. He starts thinking profoundly about equality for rights of emotion. After spending considerable time, he laughs at himself and again he is down.
When he gets back to his room from Office, he is on phone with his sweetheart talking about nice weather in the city and she explaining about those black-white-yellowish birds in the garden. She says that she is afraid of those birds, though they look very beautiful because she suspects that these birds listen to everything she talks with him and one day they would blackmail her for a high ransom and would unfold all her secrets to her father,if she can’t pay them well. Sashi laughs listening to her story, not knowing that his father has been trying to call him from half-an-hour without a pause.
Author's Note: I am not any psycho but want to make this story as complex as possible and get them out of troubles when it will be expected to be impossible. Experienced and imaginary ideas of love problems are welcome.
Sashi is not able to concentrate on his work after two days of leave. He did not get a minute for himself as he is unconsciously thinking of Pranathi all the time. All things like brushing, bathing are done with his mind absent. He is getting more and more tensed everyday as Pranathi’s parents are trying to get her married and even in Sashi’s house, there is very least possibility, he could confess about his love and ask them for help. His father even suspected Sashi when he had gone home last time for he was always stuck to his mobile and really spent very very less time with his parents.
He is worried for he has to act fast. Otherwise he may have to pay the price of forgetting his beloved and marry someone his parents will decide. The thought of getting apart from Pranathi brought tears into his eyes. He thought, he is not supposed to weep as he was told all the time that girls will only do wet their cheeks. He wanted to go back to everybody who told him so and give that glare which his father would give him every time he lies. He starts thinking profoundly about equality for rights of emotion. After spending considerable time, he laughs at himself and again he is down.
When he gets back to his room from Office, he is on phone with his sweetheart talking about nice weather in the city and she explaining about those black-white-yellowish birds in the garden. She says that she is afraid of those birds, though they look very beautiful because she suspects that these birds listen to everything she talks with him and one day they would blackmail her for a high ransom and would unfold all her secrets to her father,if she can’t pay them well. Sashi laughs listening to her story, not knowing that his father has been trying to call him from half-an-hour without a pause.
Author's Note: I am not any psycho but want to make this story as complex as possible and get them out of troubles when it will be expected to be impossible. Experienced and imaginary ideas of love problems are welcome.
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