Prince Lev Nikolayevich Myshkin

Beauty'll save the world. (from Dostoevsky's Idiot) The prince's confidence could have been true, if only, beauty itself is saved from its death.

Prince Andrew's death(Tolstoy's War & Peace) didn't move me much, whereas my friends got considerably disturbed. So I took myself to have been better immunized against emotional stories. But while reading The Idiot, this is how I felt. Except the prince, everybody else is a 'Me'. Too complex and torturous and these are the kind of souls, whom we can never decide to be good or bad. I reckon myself belonging to this group. Prince who is new to live in a society, loves people. He is much pleased to forgive them when they call him an idiot and goes far to believe, they might be true in a way. He talks much better than an educated, though he is never formally educated and befriends all, who take him to a foe. I don't know, when I got impressed with the prince, I never found it until the prince asks Rogozhin with curiosity about the weapon he used for the murder, while, quite a different feeling is expected from him. My shawl got wet with tears. Never before, did it happen for a book. I know, I wasn't crying for anybody's death or the sad ending of the story, but for the pure goodness and the pity, the prince possessed for others. After finishing the book, I felt like, I had always been there at Epachin's and listened to the Prince talking about the capital punishment, the economical condition of Russia, and about the Beauty redeeming the world. Now I crazily hope, Evegenie Pavlovich will write to me about Prince's health, like he is doing to Vera Lebedeff.

I know, it is just a story, and a person like Prince, could never be born. Still, I fancy, Prince is not a character, but someone I met on my way. I hope, Beauty is not all dead. I hope, there are still few seeds left to be planted deep in the earth. I wish, beauty will reborn and shower its spell on everything. I hope, Beauty'll save the world.

Failed attempts

I wanted to be called a bitch, the cool one. Somehow, I thought, smoking and boozing will help me for that. My classmates already tagged me arrogant, so it wouldn't be difficult to get the status I wanted. I asked Mr . X, to teach me how to smoke. He thought, I was kidding and took no notice of it. When I said, I was very serious about smoking, he said OK and told me to try 'More', which is commonly used by the women smokers. We fixed a day for that. Mr. X bought the cigarette for me while coming from his hostel. We met at the sports room near the football ground. Smoking and drinking are not allowed in the campus. but everybody knows, it is the safest place if one is little better than an idiot. So we waited till a love couple had their moonlight crap stories and we had some dirty jokes on them till they left the place. He took out the cigarette and the match box from his pocket. More was brown in colour and too long for starters like me. I looked at it with wonder telling myself, 'this is how a cigarette looks like!". I made some trials to hold it in style without lightening. Mr. X heard some noise from the room. He asked me to hide the cigarette. We checked if there were any inside the room, but there was none, and that could have been just the rattling because of the wind. I lighted the cigarette. Mr. X told me all the basic lessons how I shall not make it wet with saliva. how to hold it between lips and how to inhale the smoke. how I shall make the smoke go up in the wind pipe. I tried well to do it sincerely. But in the 'fag' end, that seemed not at all exciting and I had a slight choke. That was how I dropped out of my smoking classes.

This was another time, when I wanted to try a drink. By that time, Mr. X wasn't surprised, for he understood that I wasn't the same I look. Nashi also joined me. Sowmy and Raj, who would straight away oppose a scandal like this, were not in the campus. So that day only, we planned for the drink party at our favourite place, the football ground. Mr. X and me left for Lingampally to get the drink and told Nashi to be at the ground by 8.30pm. He bought a quarter bottle of some local brand and some eatables to have with drink. We were back in the campus and were waiting at the football ground for Nashi. Mr. X was a bit nervous and started imagining what if that security guard asks me to show what is in it? What if we are caught and are sent to VC's room?. He scared me with all his apparitions. We both were in hurry to finish it off in no time. But Nashi didn't show up. I called Nashi and said something nasty for her unpunctuality. She was hurt. When she finally came there, we settled on the ground in a circle with the bottle at the center of the circle. Nashi was calm, and didn't speak much. I observed that and said "Now, what? You already half-spoiled this beautiful evening by coming late. So you don't need to look at me like that" Nashi broke down her composed state and queued in to my words saying that she wants an explanation for the nasty thing I said on phone. Oh! these women! we say hundred things, when irritated. we don't exactly know the meaning and logic for each word. We both flared up and fired words at each other. When it had been too un-manageable even for Mr. X, I took my bicycle and left for the hostel.

PS: Mr. X doesn't want me to reveal his name though half the people who read it will know who he is.

Midnight reflection

Pradeep called me up few minutes before midnight ( Of course he was on! ) to ask me if I do care to plan for a day out. Yes, It was months since we last met. I think, it was for Sri's wedding reception. And, I'm not even calling Nashi for a weekly-hi. Even if I wanted, I rarely call Soumy as I am afraid, I would just be wasting her time with my prattle. She looks lean, but works like, she is not one, but ten inside. Pradeep repeated his question, adding "I feel like left alone". I know, how he talks, when he is on. He reveals himself just like a kid without any pride. Believe me, this is the only time, I could answer his questions without argument. I said, I don't want to meet anybody this time. May be I was too rude to say that. But that is the truth. I remembered Soumy saying "Do you people know why we became friends? Of all the people here, very few are like us ( not in the likes and dislikes, but the way we are. like school kids. we find happiness just being with each other). For all else, it is in the grades they get. and also the number of years they lived is inversely proportional to the number of friends they have and even to the quality of the relation. One becomes acutely objective and conceited with age. But we are an exception!" I pondered upon these words and suspected if I am getting too old. But surely, I don't have any sort of objective. I couldn't find out why everything has become so palled for me, which was once jubilant and rocking. I am not at all depressed or anything. In fact, quite happy, when I don't think about these things.

I counselled Pradeep for half-an-hour on something related to his philosophical and troublesome questions. After I hung up, read for some time and started thinking about the question I had for myself. I raked my brain with bisection method, converged at the following 'possible' possibilities for my dud behaviour towards my friends.

1. Somewhere in the nook of my mind, I may not be finding them as equals. I may be too much above myself. But I wonder, if I've really become egoistic to this extreme.

2. May be, I am getting bored when they talk.

3. May be, I am just enjoying to be alone.

4. For some unknown reason, I may not like them to think, that I miss them.

5. The last chance would be, I may want to involve too much of myself in the work and planning for the 'objective' of my career.

6. May be the real cause is missed out!

Subscribed to BSNLPathy

After Kiran left, I was literally thrown into a bunch of crashes in this new project. Though Ram was doing what he could from Sweden, I didn't feel like having the support. Ram, Rakesh, Sriram, Karthikeyan almost everybody suggests me to talk to LP. But how? He was the only deserted chump, I left without disturbing anytime since I joined here. He was too intimidating (eh! intimidating is the word I used in a mail to Ram, expressing how I feel about LP)

I seriously felt the verge of loosing interest in my work. I badly needed a little bit of guidance. Everyday got the taste of just before hours of my chemistry exam. I attempted to talk to LP, but failed to extract any useful information. This time, he looked more fearsome, with his questions and the invalid look he gave me. So I thought, not to ping him anymore, and to break my head, if I have to.

But fortunately, Rakesh understood my hesitations. Without my knowing, he probed LP, to guide me further in this project. So, that is how, he started sharing his invaluable knowledge with me. After these 4 or 5 sittings, I don't say I read him, but surely he is not the bad sort of guy as I thought, just that the mapping function of his intentions to expressions is screwed up. Now I am feeling lot better.

Other news is, our office will be shifted to Somajiguda by Monday. Today is the last day in this place. Though I will never think of it again, today I feel like loosing something that is tightly attached to my way of life. It is the place I met some brilliant people and said good bye to some of those. Reminds me the bus stop at university small gate where I picked up and saw off few good people.

An Empty Stomach

Last night, I got into a 211 at around 9.30pm and was waiting for the driver and the conductor to start the bus. I luckily seated myself in a place where I could see the ugliness and the beauty that comes after.

A very lean man, not particularly dirty but without any linen to his upper body was trying to sleep in the bus stop. He was continuously groaning probably because of hunger and was fully in sweat where all else were enjoying the cool breeze of the summer night after a real hot day. To my surprise, he wasn't even begging, which he could have easily done as many were practicing the same keeping their pride aside. After the unsuccessful attempt to sleep, he sat down with his head up looking into the sky as if waiting for his last call.

I have seen many of these, and almost all the time thought of taking them with me to my house and to let them have a good bath, decent clothes and some food. But never did anything in real, though there was no reason that would stop me. This time also, I knew before hand, what I was going to think and how I would lay back doing nothing.

I observed a girl watching him from other bus, which stopped just next to ours. With her expressions, I learnt, she was also feeling like me. At first, she tried to avoid looking at him, but kept doing the same and looked like she was about to decide on something. Finally, she decided to get down and brought a cup of mango juice from a near by shop. By that time, her bus was about to leave. But she wasn't in hurry. That lean man was still groaning with his head over heels. She slowly patted him and gave him the juice. He was too weak to thank her and engaged himself in drinking as fast as he can. She got into our bus and sat next to me. He finished his juice and started looking for that girl with a feeble glow in his eyes. But she didn't see him anymore.

I wanted to talk to her, but I didn't know how to start it and you know my stranger-o-phobia? While getting down the bus, I said "That's nice of you." and she just replied me a with smile, I wouldn't forget and probably would torture me all my life.

Miss You Note

I always loved my work and wanted to be in the office even on weekends. I used to get surprised and feel happy to learn the minor technical details. I thought, I felt so because of myself and I could be like that wherever I'll be. But today, every minute seems like a chemistry exam and I want to run away and find someone like KC. I am getting scared of everything, schedule, work, status and almost everything. I should say, I am feeling technically lonely. I don't know why, but everybody seems to hate me.

I'm missing my TL. I missed him more, when ram gave the quarterly report of his team, which doesn't include me and pradeep and he did that only after rakesh reminds him to do so.

Farewell

I remember, when I used to get irritated for my mentor's (Kiran) over-guidance supposing I knew everything and I didn't need anybody's guidance. But over the time, I learned, what I didn't know, and that his extra care helped me to keep myself forward to my peers. How childish I acted not speaking to him, for holding me responsible of the mis-communication about Nortel's issue. I am sure, no one else, would have spared me so. That piquancy retained in my mind for sometime. I cannot recollect what exactly made me to be on friendly terms with him. Soon, I felt he is the best to guide someone like me. I remember this particular time, for he said 'it is OK!' when a customer pointed out a grave mistake of mine for using 'logical and' in place of 'bitwise and' He replied saying it was just a typo error. I felt so happy to have him as my mentor. Nortel's NPLUS project is the one I most enjoyed working with Pradeep and Kiran. I started liking him for some stupid reasons too like his birthday falls on 9th Nov, which is my brother's too and his son is also just a little older to Laasya. I always do compare him with my brother. Funny? Even I think so. One more funny reason is he is also BEC alumnus.

This friday, we had a farewell dinner for Kiran. After the dinner, while bye-bye-ing and leaving, Seenanna said, 'I don't know of all, but Thulasi will surely miss you.' I thanked Seenanna in my mind, for telling him this, which I wanted to say but wouldn't have said for my ego's sake. Then I tried to express my acceptance for Seenanna's comment and looked at Kiran for his response. He just smiled and replied 'I too.' with his eyes. I strongly feel, it isn't my imagination and that is what he meant, when he looked at me. I loved that half-a-minute for the way we exchanged our feelings unspoken. This reminded me of my brother patting on my shoulder and pulling me closer after his arrival in the airport, when everybody else was so interested to know whether Laasya would recognise him or not. I was in tears of joy for that little expression.

I (loved to) assume, Kiran and me share a special relation, which is unspoken, un-shown and so isn't known to anybody not even to Pradeep, but only to Kiran and me. I will miss him alot. It scares me to be in any other's team, for I guess, they won't accept me like KC did.

I wanted to tell these things to him, but I am afraid, I would get accused of trying to sweeten him for something else.